Diary of a Stumbling Man

As I was walking down my very dark Pacific Beach neighborhood a few nights ago, I was suffering from a bad case of vertigo I happened to catch, this gave me difficulty walking in a straight line and coincidentally reminded me of an earlier time in my life.  It was a beautiful night, warm and somewhat quiet for a robust beach community with a dense population of young people.  It was bizarre, but a part of me enjoyed the effects of my vertigo during this walk.  I was walking to the local market to pick up a few things and If you were to see me from a distance it would probably seem that I was intoxicated as my walking ability was not normal.  On one occasion I stumbled onto the sidewalk corner onto my left arm and leg taking the most damage with a few scuff’s on my elbow and knee. If anything I wondered if anyone had seen me because if you were to view this event you would probably think how dumb I must have looked.  Yes even the ego becomes aware of any intrusions upon our waking silly life events.  Walking down those dark street corners in Pacific Beach reminding me of when I was much younger.  In years past when I was only seventeen years old I remember walking the streets of a quiet neighborhood after a high school party, I was trying to clear my head walking around the neighborhood.  In this case I was evidently drunk and probably had mixed other intoxicants during that night to make my experience even that more frustrating if you wanted to do basic functions of some sort.

In those early years I had never experienced this kind of behavior as my body was not accustomed to the intoxicating effects.  It was however very new and an unlikely learning experience I would never forget.  I do not encourage this type of behavior since I do not believe in altered states of consciousness produced by some drug induced state.  But it is indeed a new kind of experience that does give one new ways of looking at things.  It can possible give you an alternative way at problem solving since you have subdued your usual conscious mind approach to the world, and as much as it changes the way we look at things, it also likewise hinders our problem solving abilities as well. One can easily evoke the mid sixties era and how the Beatles changed the way we listened to music during that time.  The influence of their experimentation with the music due to the influences upon them during this time is very similar to the point I am trying to make.

As a psychology student I learned in my Physiological Psyche class that if you learn under the influence of (lets say caffeine),  you are likely to recall that information in a similar state of being, such that you would probably like to have caffeine in your system to recall what you had learned on earlier study sessions under the influence of caffeine.  One can easily extrapolate from this hypothesis to other kinds of agents that influence our thinking and our behaviors.  Think drinking intoxicants and trying to pick up dates at bars under these conditions, one may learn certain social skills that will inevitably help them in achieving their goal of capturing the attention of others.

Alcohol tends to diminish social fears, boosts ones awareness and limits inhibitions, and that may just be enough to capture the attention of others de facto under the influence of similar intoxicants.

Unfortunately many of my former school mates in high school were  predetorial using drink to subdue others under the influence rather than be proper gentlemen.  The maturity level is certainly crucial in the developing human being, as many rely upon devious means to make the sporting effect of adolescent charms and taking advantage of others under such conditions.  I was never like that, and I always could tell who one could trust when push came to shove.  I have never respected anyone who relied upon these techniques to gain upon their prey, and I protected several from any funny business which later spawned a nick name as a senior in high school, “the saint”.  I think maybe this was a kind of name that really looked down upon me rather than one of good fortune.  I inadvertently became the protector by disrupting the events to unfold when things got “out of hand”.  I only lectured on the side of when you wake up tomorrow, you will find yourself in total guilt that you had to use alcohol to achieve your goal.this only occurred by chance on only a few occasions.   To me you weren’t any good if you had to use alcohol, or other intoxicants, I was the advocate for being honest.  No other way was superior to this way, because it was the real test of being genuine.  I despised the pretentious.  There can be a lot of ego in high school and early adulthood, and I found very early on that I was not going to play by the rules of the conspicuous arrogant fools that treated others as if they were trifle amusements.

Ironically years later I was far from being “the saint”, as I too had my demons to chase but my true nature did always show, and I did have these memories that I am proud of.  It’s funny how on two completely different tangents of our lives can bring about fond memories on both sides of the spectrum of the life-cycle.  One of a middle-aged man, and the other that of a teen-aged young adult.


Ringo Starr

“A lady that I know just came from Colombia. She laughed because I did not understand. She held out some marijuana uh-huh, said it was the finest in the land. I said, no-no-no-no, i dont smoke it no more. It only makes me fall on the floor.No thank you please, it only makes me sneeze, and then it makes it hard to find the door. A lady that i know just came from Morrocco, Spain. She laughed because i did not understand. She held out a ten-pound bag of cocaine, said it was the finest in the land. I said no-no-no-no, i don’t *sniff* no more, it only makes me fall on the floor. No thank you please, it only makes me sneeze, and then it makes it hard to find the door.
A lady that i know just came from Tennesee. She laughed because i did not understand. She held out a jug of moonshine, uh-huh, said it was the finest in the land. I said no-no-no-no, i don’t drink it no more, it only makes me fall on the floor. No thank you please, it only makes me sneeze, and then it makes it hard to find the door.Ringo Starr’s No-No Song”
Ringo Starr

Lundy Bancroft

“Alcohol does not a change a person’s fundamental value system. People’s personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when sober. When you are drunk you may behave in ways that are silly or embarrassing; you might be overly familiar or tactlessly honest, or perhaps careless or forgetful. But do you knock over little old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store? Unlikely. People’s conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

A Portrait of Ambivalence


My emotional landscape has been greatly expanded by the experiences of my life.  I must admit that this has stretched my perceptions about how we create the world reflecting on times when we are influenced by the way we engage with everything around us and become moved by our lives.  We can be profoundly influenced by music, art, or influenced by people close to us that is responsible for the transformation of our experience.  It is simply the magical evolution of our experiences that capture us and maintains our fascination with the world.  The heart-felt textures that line our lives with rich silken waves of fulfillment touch us, as we ride these flowing streams of our heightened senses.  We of course also can become subject to the more vapid, and less attractive attributes of our lives but the contrast between them alone can surely show us just what we should appreciate when these experiences do filter into our lives.

What is astonishing to me is that we all value the same kind of attention, the binding rudimentary human need to belong for our fulfillment.  We are all driven by our humanity, we all seek love and affection at very early ages.  This has not changed for in all of human history we have stories that give rise to this deeply human drive.  To become a part of our culture, to interact with others, the documentation for this is found in every single life that we know of, as the story is told for as many that have the lips to tell it, or as other evidence can be found in literature from all around the world.

the tragedy in every love story is most felt within the family.  When by association we have the very essence of why we should love another, we find dissociation between family members that we should know better than not love one another.  The most painful kind of tumultuous love is between the love of our parental and sibling foundations of relationship.  There are countless opportunities to bond in these kinds of relationships, yet we lose our way in on the roads we travel losing ourselves to the many  arbitrary confines that our own ego produces.  We may just simply be caught in misunderstanding that can last lifetimes.  For whatever the reasons we pull away from our loved ones, I know that this is an example of how we let some of the dumbest reasons influence our being.  We let trivial things come between some of our should-be most cherished relationships.  The challenge we face should be not faced alone, when we have family to rely upon at times of our need.  Unfortunately this is not of common thought through-out our world.  We have rivalries, and unspoken ambivalence’s toward each other.


The interesting question is not based on fact that family members will sometimes become dissatisfied with one another; the question becomes why we allow this to happen!  Thus, the Devil is in the details which makes its way onto the stage of our lives.  For as many credible reasons for there to be some sort of antagonist in our play that is blamed, there is also a protagonist that is malevolently judged, and so the tragedy unfolds.  When one cannot tell one from the other, then the blur of our mortal and moral obligations becomes distorted.

Even if we deny parts of our humanity, if we look not further than the trophy’s we place on the wall, we will find that these platitudes of our existence are not what is truly of value to us.  The ego embraces false objects of security.  We misdirect our affections and lend them to idolatrous worship.   We should only direct this conduct in our experience with each other, in our relationships, and the love we share with others, should be the primary mover of our deeds.  We should love one another and hold it as the most important factor in our existence.  The love ideal is not one that is painless, and resembles an illusory presence in our lives.  It is but a factor that makes our lives richer when lived.  It transforms our regret, our misery, and our servitude to wrongful submission.  I want to make it perfectly clear that our love comes with a price.  We probably do not appreciate the quality of our love because we often expect some reciprocity in our valuations of it.  Love must be self-less.  It must be directed away from our ego inventions.  Many of us do not understand why this should be, unless you are a parent, than you may identify with these thoughts.

Parents can relate to holding a very special kind of unconditional love for another despite the reciprocity they will receive.

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise
Run in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
Listen to the wind blow down comes the night
Running in the shadows damn your love, damn your lies
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)
Chain keep us together, running in the shadow
Chain keep us together, running in the shadow
Chain keep us together, running in the shadow
Chain keep us together, running in the shadow
Chain keep us together, running in the shadow

Stevie Nicks  / Fleetwood Mac

I’d count the moments: Tribute to Euthyphro


I’d Count the moments we’d use to spend

I’d count these days in silence in-between our meetings till my heart would mend

If I’m down, I’d turn on the lights

I’d hide in the sun rays- me I’m just minding the time

If its dark, then I’d turn around and look to you for a glance

A reassurance I rely on much more than just by chance

reflection comes from the well of universal appeal

I know in these moments I would often pray and kneel

We’re often apart, yet so close we are

From as far back as an early age we’ve had to sail

For some time You were out of sight- behind this veil

And from time to time you would again be near

Much a-part of my life

No distance between us can keep us apart

I’d count the twinkle in your eyes

When father and daughter would again gather their charms

But when the most cherished of times in our hold

Disappear before us, when we forget the tale that is often not told

Never let your heart beat become defeated

Never turn away from the love you have forgotten or concealed

The customs of unreasonable people

Will sometimes turn against what is right

So lay down your emotional weapons

And reveal what you conceal

Use this logic, use your sight

Is it not for our piety that we are blessed, or is it not for our deeds that we become pious? For some this is a paradox, for others this is babble, you decide, the power to unlock the mysteries is yours.



The Road Most Taken

As I walk down this road

I think of remorse and regret     

Of times past

Making old wounds new

I somehow cannot forget

At times the mind wanders

Attached, clinging in tears

Driven by desperation

The misfortunes account for the sum of all fears

And so I walk in the shadows

Afraid and alone

Restless and isolated

Living with this sadness

A place I call home

I ask what do I live for?

I should not be in the past

I must awaken from my sleep

I must commit to this task

The lesson from ancient wisdom

Lies in the here and now

The life you have chosen is wasted

Thus they spake and gave teachings of the how

Men are at war with each other

Because each man is at war with himself

Man stands in his own shadow

And wonders why it’s dark

The contest not with the world

But a contest still of the self



The Calamity of Illusion


How many mistakes

In misfortune and providence must I make

Before I find

A truth to release me from the malnourished souls left unkind

The tears that I shed

Spent on these troubles of a humanity that has fled

From a wisdom of the past

Only a twilight in the minds of those aghast

At the ever-present rate

One would expect nothing more than our polarized hate

As the world goes mad

I ponder our fate and the chance to overcome

Still sad, still sad

Look not at the conditions of the vagrant souls about

Floating aimlessly abroad, no solace to take, but only in doubt

I rest not till I find my way

Through the passage of time I will summon the day

My journey I take

Though alone I deeply care

I find this inner calamity an illusion, and this illusion I must bare