Woke up This Morning – A Dystopian Nightmare


this was recorded in studio circa 1999 and was entirely an ad-lib session.

woke up this morning

dreams in my head

moment of silence

welcome my friend dread

my passions escape me

this weight that I bear

so damn used up

compromise all my cares

nobody gets near me

cause I push them away

spend all my time

acting like I’m okay

I know this seems wrong

but I’m blind in this haze

worries and troubles

push you down all the way

don’t want no trouble

don’t want to make me cry

don’t want self-pity

don’t want to tell myself lies

ask myself questions

look myself in the eyes

do I come up empty-handed?

sell myself alibis?

like the sun that shines on me

I’ll rise up one day

look back on these moments and forget all this pain

but for now I’ll just grieve

loss of my better sense

pack up my innocence and send it away

why can’t you save me

save me from myself

this monster I created by myself

this poor helpless soul

this motherless soul

The Customs of Ego


lighthouse on the rock HD WALLPAPER

When the motivation and inspiration to become a better person stems from the attention you covet from another person, and if indeed you feel good while performing said tasks to improve yourself, is it better at times you start this endeavor (such as physical fitness goals, developing musical skills, being well dressed, etc.), for social advancements or for personal reasons based on your beliefs?  There still lies the question, do you not do it for yourself, or for the sake of its intrinsic value?  Is there a significant difference between social values and personal values, albeit they are not mutually exclusive?  I understand that having a coach, parent, spiritual leader, or someone with an expertise should be sought out to meet some of these goals, but my interest is in the differences between the distinction I have noted above.

The ends justify the means for some people.  My notion is the consideration on the root underlying motivation that we act upon before we engage in some activity may indeed lead to an emerging ego defense rather than a purer direct resolve.  Splitting hairs some may agree, but there may be something to be said about a deep seated self-doubt that motivates someone and not an honest cognizant assessment.  Even if the result has a similar outcome, the internal motivator that wins out sill be subject to a harsher scrutiny if there is any dissonance in these decisions that come back to haunt us later.  Example, If I choose to go through the appearance of attending church for social approval as opposed to an internal ambition to better oneself and unify with a religious experience, can that have implications?  If you look at all the hypocrites who do not seek such instruction for their own betterment in their heart, and instead go because it is socially sanctioned, there seems to be a disconnect to the reason for going.  They therefore are giving the appearance to others that they are attending because of an internal drive and maybe not because of the external drive that prompts them to be present.

Why is having another person gain your approval more important than having a reconciliation with self-approval?  Are they both inconsistent ideas, goals, with different values assigned to them?  Maybe because they have different rewards attached to the prospect of having someone like you for you in comparison to your own internal reward by doing what you like to do?
Does this possibly imply that a self-approval is in need of reevaluation, and that possibly the need for others in our lives is more powerful than our own appraisals because we have doubt enough to seek other opinions about such matters?  If we invest in the time to show others strengths we may be working on, their observations and interest somehow have gained a higher priority than our own judgement because we have not yet learned the ability to truly calculate a balance in our self-worth enough that we seek outside validation?
I remember when I began to work on my physique by working out in the gym.  I had for some time wanted to develop my body to show a positive healthy shape that met my idea of looking fit.  After some time in my investment of a steady routine I was able to see and feel the physical benefits of such activity as I discovered the psychological benefits apart from the physical benefits which were also a complementary bonus.  But if I were to check my motivating factors at the age I began this routine, I think that it was for reasons that many young people begin such endeavors, to look better to attract other people into their lives.  We are attracted to others that like the same activities, we are attracted to those who share the same goals and aspects of our perception of what is attractive, and possibly it is simply that we have similar traits, but the underlying motivation for many still begs the question do you work out because you wanted to attract more people by adjusting your physical appearance to do so as part of your strategy?  This may seem to be a matter of intention!
I have always wanted to develop my inner sanctum, my personality and disposition to the world, my soul or ethos that guided me through life because I felt it was extremely important for one to express themselves authentically and meet the world without any depreciating factors of perception.  To have a beautiful soul, to be someone of value, to not carry the pitfalls of what our ego, and human frailties often prevent us from seeing in the world.  I have personally seen how people with unhealthy approaches to the world have dispositions that are very unfavorable and how they can distort the experience of their life and those around them.
I have grown up with the notion that by going to school and doing well, our opportunities will avail themselves to us depending upon our efforts and achievements.  What I did not see growing up is the concerted effort to have much emphasis placed upon our approach in educational curriculum’s to include ethics, and just how important ethical conduct truly matters.  I have experienced this in my career paths through-out my life for the last 35 years in the business world, and my own personal experiences in the entirety of my life.  Even more shocking is the everyday conduct outside of the business world; our personal relationships where some of the most poignant kinds of human conduct are detected and are astoundingly distressing if taking notice of these results.  I work with the public everyday and see countless cases of poor conduct; ego centered, self-absorbed, and selfish behaviors that make me wonder about the futility of this conduct.
Somehow we have attended to areas in our lives that focus on our ego wants above the needs of others.  The possession of ego is a universal principle that we must all negotiate within ourselves and with the projection of other egos upon us.

My feeling is that though I am as guilty as most other people on my root causes for engaging in activities come largely from social acceptance, I can clearly distinguish at times we must dig deeper and look to a purer form of inspiration because it just may be that we are living under false pretenses that could have problematic reverberations.

Most days of the year are unremarkable.  They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between.  Most days have no impact on the course of a life.

~~(500) Days of Summer

Like the quote above, most days are not all days in a year, a month, or a lifetime.  At times there will be moments that are contrary and we find ourselves in a situation we must resolve.

I’m not sure if I totally agree with the statement below.  Brilliant movie, but I’m not resigned to say that “everything” is just mere coincidence especially if we are discussing the dynamics in human relationships.

If Tom had learned anything… it was that you can’t ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event.  Coincidence, that’s all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence… Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles.  There’s no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be.  He knew, he was sure of it now.

~~(500) Days of Summer

Given my argument presented here, my suggestion is that we have situations that are more involved than this screenwriters commentary on relationships.  I think there is vast differences in our approaches to the world, and that I tend to believe that there is more than just coincidence if living an examined life.  If we employ the maxim “Know Thyself”, then one can certainly see my contention for this argument.  On the contrary if one is living without examining anything but blind luck, than maybe this screenwriter’s commentary makes more sense.  Just a thought!

George Clooney

“You never really learn much from hearing yourself speak.”
George Clooney
Shannon L. Alder

“Often romantic relationships fail because you are trying to get someone to fall in love with the YOU that you never discovered.”
Shannon L. Alder
Joseph Campbell

“How to get rid of ego as dictator and turn it into messenger and servant and scout, to be in your service, is the trick.”
Joseph Campbell

Arzum Uzun

“Don’t feed your ego with my soul.”
Arzum Uzun
Robert Frost

“The worst disease which can afflict executives in their work is not, as popularly supposed, alcoholism; it’s egotism.”
Robert Frost
Leo Tolstoy

“oh God! what am I to do if I love nothing but fame and men’s esteem?”
Leo Tolstoy

“When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”
Joseph Gordon-Levitt

“She drank in all their compliments and soon she was full of herself.”
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories, Vol. 3

Joseph Campbell

“The ego is as you think of yourself. You in relation to all the commitments of your life, as you understand them. The self is the whole range of possibilities that you’ve never even thought of. And you’re stuck with you’re past when you’re stuck with the ego. Because if all you know about yourself is what you found out about yourself, well, that already happened. The self is a whole field of potentialities to come through.”
Joseph Campbell, The Hero’s Journey: Joseph Campbell on His Life & Work
Idries Shah

“Anyone can see that an ass laden with books remains a donkey. A human being laden with the undigested results of a tussle with thoughts and books, however, still passes for wise.”
Idries Shah, Reflections


Why Must I Face These Demons I Embrace?

Archetype 4 The Individualist / Romantic ( Feeling Triad )
Archetype 5 The Investigator / Observer ( Thinking Triad )

The discovery of something profound that has escaped my attention for some time came to me today in my research for self discovery.  For a long time I have always identified, tested, and found that I have a high affinity with the Enneagram type 5, or the Investigator / Observer personality type.  This is especially true for the childhood dynamic that I am working with if looked at carefully.  Today, after researching further, I came to some new developments in my personality type.  I have retested (RHETI – Riso Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator Test) and found that I also strike an affinity with the type 4, or the Individualist / Romantic personality type.

Why must I face these demons I embrace?  I knew I had a cross-over on some of these types, and thought that these differences were more in my Triadic wing associations with other types.  There are two Triads that are in alignment with type 4 and type 5 that are important for transformational work because they specify where our chief imbalance lies.  The Triads represent the three main clusters of issues and defenses of the ego, self, and they show the principal ways in which we contract our awareness and limit ourselves.  The Feeling Triad for my type 4 is concerned with self-image (attachment to the false or assumed self or personality).  Fours believe that the stories about themselves and their assumed qualities are their real identity.  Underneath their ego defenses these types carry a great deal of shame.  The Thinking Triad for my type 5 is concerned with anxiety (they experience a lack of support and guidance).  Fives engage in behaviors that they believe will enhance their safety and security.  Underneath their ego defenses these types carry a great deal of fear.

Type 4 the Individualists and Type 5 the Investigators look alike because as wings of each other, they share some of the same personality traits.  Both can be analytical, introspective, internalized, sensitive, and shy (yet seem superior).  Depending on how much they are influenced by their wings, some Individualists will appear more detached and some Investigators more in touch with their feelings.  However, Individualists are the most feeling and emotional type-wanting more from others and having difficulty keeping their personal boundaries.  In contrast, Investigators are the most detached type-wanting less and keeping more self-contained with clearer personal boundaries.

Triad divisions inside the Enneagram

What is funny is the dualism between these types as they can clearly be viewed as operating within different Triads.  The four stems from the feeling and emotional experience, and the five stems from the thinking and reasoning experience which both are fundamental to a person when these triads operate together, yet can often separate and detach themselves from working together to find a balance in a persons motivational sources.

There are 3 levels with 3 variants in each level having horizontal and vertical dimensions for the Enneagram.  There are 3 Healthy levels, 3 Average levels, and 3 unhealthy levels.  Depending on your basic core type of personality, you also have “wing” subtypes that aid in the understanding of your personality.  These lead to the directional levels of integration, or ways in which you can develop yourself into healthier persona’s.  There is also the directional levels of Disintegration, or ways that you can subject yourself to the unhealthy trappings of your persona.

Type 4 The Individualist or the Romantic – The Basic Proposition

The fundamental principle I lost sight of: Everyone has a deep and complete connection to all others and all things.  What I came to believe instead: People experience a painful loss of their original connections, leaving them feeling abandoned and feeling that they are missing something important.

Principle Characteristics

  • Basic fear: Of having no identity, no personal significance
  • Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance, to create an identity out of their inner experience
  • Superego message:  “You are good or okay if you are true to yourself.”

Because of this strategy, by attention is on: What is positive and attractive about the future and the past.  What is missing or distant that I long for and feel lonely without.  What is aesthetically pleasing and deeply touching or meaningful.

I put my energy into: Intense feelings of sadness and longing, associated with what seems to be missing or lacking in my life.  Finding love, meaning, and fulfillment through self-expression and deep connection.  Creating myself to be a unique individual.

I do everything I can to avoid: Being rejected, abandoned, not heard, or insignificant.  Feeling I do not measure up.  Feeling there is something wrong with me.  The mundane  People and experiences that lack emotional depth.

My strengths: Sensitivity.  A creative orientation. Being attuned to feelings.  A capacity to empathize with suffering.  Intensity.  Passion.  Romantic idealism.  Emotional depth.  Authenticity.  Introspection.

Stress and Anger

What causes me stress: People and experiences not living up to my romantic ideals or desire for intensity.  Wanting more than is available.  Envying what others have that I do not have or what they are that I am not.  Unmanageable feelings, especially in emotional crises.

What make me angry: People who disappoint me, let me down, or leave me.  Remembering such people from my past.  Being slighted, rejected, abandoned.  Feeling misunderstood.  Phoniness and insincerity.

Personal Development

The ultimate goal of my development: To realize that in the present moment we are loved and completely whole, lacking no essential quality or ingredient, that we are interconnected and at one with all life.

How I can further my personal development: Focus on what is positive in life right now rather than on what is missing.  Maintain a consistent course of action despite fluctuating and intense feelings.  Participate in physical activity and helping others in order to become less self-absorbed.  Delay reacting until intense emotions begin to subside.  Appreciate ordinary everyday experiences.

What hinders my personal development: Letting my strong feelings run the show and falling into inaction.  Resisting changing “who I am” for fear of losing my individuality.  Feeling I won’t measure up.  Feeling the world will let me down.  Getting self-absorbed.  Downplaying improvement that is not dramatic and becoming discouraged.

How others can support my development: Encourage me to keep my attention on what is positive in the present.  Honor my feelings and my idealism.  Reveal their real feelings and true reactions.  Let me see that they really understand me instead of trying to change me.

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Fours keep up their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others.  Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings and, consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately.  They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed.  More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.  One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feeling from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold on to negative feelings about those who have hurt them.  Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.  There is a Sufi story that relates to this, about an old dog that had been badly abused and was near starvation.  One day the dog found a bone, carried it to a safe spot, and started gnawing away.  The dog was so hungry that it chewed on the bone for a long time and got every last bit of nourishment that it could out of it.  After some time, a kind old man noticed the dog and its pathetic scrap and began quietly setting food out for it.  But the poor hound was so attached to its bone that it refused to let go of it and soon starved to death.

Fours are in the same predicament.  As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities.  To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity (as a suffering victim) and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity (their basic fear).  Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true–or at least it is not true anymore.  The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: it is irrelevant to who they are right now.

The Childhood Pattern

Fours feel that they are not like their parents.  Many Fours report fantasizing that they were mistakenly switched at the hospital, or that they are orphans or a changeling.  They often express this as feeling that they have not been “seen” by their parents, that they did not connect sufficiently with their parents or their parents with them.  In psychological terms, Fours feel that they have not had adequate mirroring, or at least the mirroring of real qualities and talents that they can make part of their developing identity.  (In family systems theory, Fours tend to identify with the Lost Child role.)

The result is that Fours believe that something must be profoundly wrong with them, launching them on a lifelong “search for self.”  They feel “If I am not like my parents and I cannot see myself in them, then who am I?”  This also predisposes Fours to focus on what they lack –on what is missing in themselves, their lives, and their relationships.  They feel abandoned and misunderstood by their parents and, later, by other significant people.

As a result of this pattern, Fours respond powerfully to people who trigger their desire for mirroring, for being seen and appreciated for who they are.  On the most profound level, Fours are always looking for the mother and father they feel they did not have.

Fours are the deep-sea divers of the psyche: they delve into the inner world of the human soul and return to the surface, reporting on what they have found.  They are able to communicate subtle truths about the human condition in ways that are profound, beautiful, and affecting.  In a fundamental way, Fours remind us of our deepest humanity – that which is most personal, hidden, and precious about us but which is, paradoxically, also the most universal.

Because of their attunement to their inner states – to their subconscious feelings and impulses – Fours are usually highly intuitive, an attitude that feeds their self-discovery and creativity.  Although they may have intellectual gifts, they tend to rely primarily on what their intuitions are telling them about themselves and their environment from moment to moment.  Often Fours are not sure how they are able to arrive at their insights; they find the inner workings of their consciousness mysterious and surprising.

At the highest functioning level 1 in a healthy Four they let go of the belief that they are more flawed than others and are thus freed from their self-absorption.  Their basic desire, to find themselves and their significance, is also achieved and thus their problems with their identity and its stability are solved.  They are self-renewing, redemptive, and revelatory.

Path of Integration: 4 goes to 1

Type 5 The Investigator or the Observer – The Basic Proposition

The fundamental principle I lost sight of: There is an ample supply of all the knowledge and energy everyone needs.  What I came to believe instead: The world demands too much from people and gives them too little.  The strategy I developed to cope with this belief: I learned to protect myself from intrusive demands and being drained of my resources by becoming private and self-sufficient.  I do this by limiting my desires and wants and by accumulating a lot of knowledge.  I developed a sense of avarice, but only for things I would not do without.

Principle Characteristics

  • Basic fear: Of being helpless, useless, incapable (overwhelmed)
  • Basic Desire: To be capable and competent
  • Superego message: “You are good or okay if you have mastered something.”

Because of this strategy, my attention in on: The intellectual domain.  Facts.  Analysis and compartmentalized thinking.  Intrusions or demands on me.

I put my energy into: Observing from a detached stance.  Learning all there is to know about a subject.  Thinking and analyzing in advance.  Dampening and reducing feelings.  Self-containment, withdrawing, conserving.  Maintaining sufficient privacy, boundaries, and limits.

I do everything I can to avoid: Strong feelings, especially fear.  Intrusive or demanding people or circumstances.  Feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.

My strengths: Scholarliness.  Being knowledgeable.  Thoughtfulness.  Calmness in crisis.  Being respectful.  Keeping confidences.  Dependability.  Appreciation of simplicity.

Stress and Anger

What causes me stress: Failing to keep up sufficient privacy, boundaries, and limits.  Becoming fatigued.  Having desires, needs, and wants that lead to dependency.  Trying to learn everything there is to know before taking action.

What makes me angry: Being considered factually incorrect.  Demands, intrusions.  An overload of emotional input.  Not having the opportunity for enough private time to restore my energy.

The nature of my anger: Self-containment and withholding.  Tension and disapproval, short bursts of temper.

Personal Development

The ultimate goal of my development: To realize that there is a natural and sufficient supply of what is needed to support and sustain life, that staying engaged in life will not deplete our resources and energy.

How I can further my personal development: Allow myself to experience feelings instead of detaching and retreating into my mind.  Recognize that withdrawing and withholding invite intrusion.  Take action, realizing that I have ample energy and support to carry it off.  Participate in physical activity.  Find ways to engage in conversation, to express myself, and to reveal personal matters.

What hinders my personal development: Minimizing needs and detaching from the ongoing flow of life.  Missing opportunities to do things with others.  Isolating myself from my feelings and from connecting with others.  Not recognizing fear or anger in myself.  Reluctance to discuss and reveal personal matters.  Excessive analysis.

How others can support my development: Respect my need for privacy and space.  Make clear distinctions between requests and demands.  Provide moderate feedback about their own feelings and concerns.  Encourage me to be self-disclosing and to express my feelings in the here and now.  Appreciate my sensitivity.  Appreciate my ability to live and let live.

 The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

Fives want to find out what things are the way they are.  They want to understand how the world works, whether it is the cosmos, the microscopic world, the animal, vegetable, or mineral kingdom – or the inner world of their imaginations.  They are always searching, asking questions, and delving into things in depth.  They do not accept received opinions and doctrines, feeling a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves.

Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world.  Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others.  But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable.  Their belief is that from the safety of their minds, they will eventually figure out how to do things – and one day rejoin the world.

Fives spend a lot of time observing and contemplating.  Knowledge, understanding, and insight are thus highly valued by fives, because their identity is built around having ideas and being someone who has something unusual and insightful to say.

The Childhood Pattern

Fives often report that as children, they did not feel safe in their families; they felt in danger of being overwhelmed by their parents, and so they started looking for a way that they could feel secure and confident.  First, they retreated from the family into their own private space – mentally physically, and emotionally.  Second, they turned their attention away from their personal and emotional needs onto something “objective.”

Young Fives typically spend long periods on their own; they are quiet children who shy away from playing with others, instead occupying their minds and imaginations with books, practicing a musical instrument or playing with a computer, collecting insects or plants, or playing with board games or chemistry sets.  It is common to find young Fives who are exceptionally advanced in some areas (such as spelling or mathematics).

Thus Fives do not expect anything from others, except to be left alone to pursue their own interests unimpeded by anyone else’s demands or needs, especially their emotional needs.  It is as if they were saying, “I won’t ask much from you if you don’t ask much from me.”  Independence – or perhaps more accurately, non-intrusion – is therefore sought by Fives as a way of attaining safety and the feeling that they have control of their lives.

Fives are psychologically stuck in the separation phase of childhood = the period around two to three-and-a-half years old – when children are learning to operate independently of their mothers.  For whatever reasons, young Fives felt that the only way to become independent was to make themselves not want nurturing and emotional connection with their mothers.  Thus, at an early age, Fives learned to cut off from painful feelings of need and longing by staying in their minds.

Learning to cut themselves off from nurturance – even from desiring it – becomes a way of defending themselves against further hurts and frustrations.  This becomes significant for adult Fives and explains their reluctance to become more emotionally engaged with others.  To leave the safety of their minds, to reoccupy the body and feelings, is to re-experience the primal frustration and anguish of their infant selves.  Such feelings completely overwhelm a Five’s capacity to focus their mind – their basis of self-confidence – and are therefore powerfully defended against.  Even to want something ordinary too much could upset their inner security; thus adult Fives go through life avoiding the things they most want, repressing their longing and finding substitute pleasures in their interests, hobbies, and creativity.

The Five’s main gifts to the world involve their tremendous insight and understanding, coupled with some area of expertise.  Fives are extraordinarily observant and perceptive.  They are sensitive to their environment and perceive subtle changes or discrepancies that others would likely overlook.  Man Fives seem to have one or two of their senses developed to an unusual degree.  Fives do not lose their childhood curiosity: they keep asking questions, such as, “Why is the sky blue?” or ” Why do things fall down and not up?”  Fives do not take anything for granted.  Fives enjoy sharing their findings with others, and they often serve up their observations of life’s contradictions with a whimsical sense of humor.   They are endlessly amused – and horrified – by the unfolding strangeness of life, and they communicate this to others by changing the picture ever so slightly to expose previously invisible absurdities.  There is a mischievous, sprightly, elfin quality to them.

When we are really present to life, when we are relaxed and engaged in our bodies, we begin to experience an inner knowing or guidance.  We are led toward exactly what we need to know and our choices come from this inner wisdom.  But when we lose the ground of Presence out of which this Essential guidance emerges, the personality takes over and tries to figure out what to do.  The “wrong turn” that Fives make is to become identified with their observations of their experiences rather than their experiences themselves.

The Fives drive for knowledge and mastery is the personality’s attempt to re-create an Essence quality that we might call clarity or inner knowing.  With clarity comes the Essential quality of non-attachment, which is not emotional repression or detachment but the lack of identification with any particular point of view.  Liberated Fives remember the spaciousness and clarity of the Divine Mind, what the Buddhists call  “the shining Void,” or Sunyata, the quiet, undisturbed vastness from which everything arises, including all knowledge and creativity.

Path of Integration: 5 goes to 8

So where does that leave me?  I cannot be both, or can I?  I have always recognized my Five attributes, but somehow I can now identify with my Four attributes very clearly.  I have overlook much because when I was first testing, I read much about the five and thought, gee that’s just like me.  Unfortunately I stopped reading in depth about the other findings from the test that I overlooked much of my Four connections.  I clearly show both qualities from the Thinking Triad and the Feeling Triad for these two types that are very close together in the Enneagram Diagram.

What is perplexing is that I demonstrate an intense capacity to think about my feelings.  A sort of dichotomous paradox that is the worst of all possible outcomes if in an unhealthy state.  Because of the extreme lows of these types, It now explains so much of the suffering I have undergone in trying to establish my sanity I once thought was waning.  This uncovers much to the complexity of the Enneagram, and the many levels of integration and deterioration one can assign fortuitous contingencies.



My smiles are because I am happy
I smile because I’m laughing
When I have joy or find something funny I smile
My smile is pure
I am 7 years old

My smiles are because I am happy
I smile because I am laughing
When I have joy or find something funny I smile
When I am sad I hide behind my smile
My smile is complicated
I am 17 years old

My smiles are because I am happy
I smile because I am laughing
When I have joy or find something funny I smile
When I am sad I hide behind my smile
When I cause someone pain I smile
My smile is cynical
I am 37 years old

My smiles are because I am happy
I smile because I am laughing
When I have joy or find something funny I smile
When I do something ridiculous I smile
I can laugh at myself
My smile is again pure
I am 67 years old

Options Open

In a moment of weakness I sat upon the cold wet tile

A steamy shower pouring overhead onto a body who’s heart now vanquished any possible smile

Exhausted with doubt I clutched to thoughts I could feign

I had no where to turn and no one to trust, did I seek for them in vain?

Lost in this haze I longed to escape

So sick of this feeling so tired of this fate

I somehow revived myself through the pain and the night

I set out again, thoughts changing, now embracing a vision that restored this sight

It’s when you rise again no matter what’s the hitch, a light still burns deep… though faint, in its niche

If you call upon a source within

No matter how small, no matter how dim

You change your world and in it you find

That a light inside you once dim can now again shine

Some answers come slowly, and some answers given time

May put to rest a once restless mind

A Loss for Words


Many mysterious things can happen to us during our lives.  When events happen that we cannot explain, we are sometimes at a loss for words!  I have tended to be a hopeless romantic for reasons I cannot explain.  A part of my nature that permeates the very essence of my being I cannot seem to get around because it tends to run deep within me.

There are countless stories that spend much of our attention on how we bond with others, how we fall in love, or how we attach ourselves to others that we cannot fully comprehend.  Social psychology has its explanations, many other takes are found in popular culture and literature from all around the globe.  Whether we mythologize or monetize these sentiments, we as humans still experience them on some level.

For me, moments such as these are always never planned, they are never anticipated when they occur, and they forever leave an impression.  It seems that timing is everything, but is it?  One must be receptive, and one must somehow be spiritually aligned for any meaningful interaction to take place.  But I implore you to find examples in your life that left you speechless in your attempt to find the reasons that completely explain how you felt when those that enchanted you entered into your life?  I do not mean any libidinous attraction that captures your interest, but an essence that seems familiar and compels you to take notice.

In movies such as Somewhere in Time (1980), and I Origins (2014), the characters within these movies had connections they could not seem to rationally fathom.  I use these movies to show the reader the spirit of this post.  Even though these are fictional stories, they shadow a reference for that you may relate with if you have not felt something like this in your own life.


I Origins (2014) Poster



Priya Varma:  You know a scientist once asked the Dalai Lama, “What would you do if something scientific disproved your religious beliefs?” And he said, after much thought, “I would look at all the papers.   I’d take a look at all the research and really try to understand things.   And in the end, if it was clear that the scientific evidence disproved my spiritual beliefs, I would change my beliefs.”
Ian:  That’s a good answer.
Priya Varma:  Ian… what would you do if something spiritual disproved your scientific beliefs?


When you find someone who captivates your interest, there follows an amazing process that overtakes you when you seek to learn more about them.  Your world is now adjusting to include others in your sphere of influence and doors seem to open that were not present before.  In my life because of the influence that presided over me when I was near them, I approached the world differently.  Their perceptions took my interest and were special to me as I became curious about what makes them…..well,…..them.  You do things like finding yourself listening to the music they like, or maybe you read the same books that they like or become interested in activities that they engage in.  You immerse yourself into a part of their world because of forces you cannot verbalize.

The discovery of how they feel about things takes your interest as you find out by listening very intently to them about how they see the world.  I cannot voice that this happens for all the people we will meet in the world, and if it does occur, it is likely unique to our valuation of them.  There are times when we meet people who cannot be categorized with the logical mind.  Something else is exigent within us that motivates our ability to connect with them.  We may not have the same views, share the same faith, or even like the same foods, but what does become clear is that we find ourselves charmed by something deeper we cannot rationally explain.



I for one do not know if I am just another hopeless soul floating in a sea among other souls randomly passing each other in the tides, or if there exists a magnetism that pulls others close to us when our proximity is within range.  I do think this may be the case based on my own personal experiences, since I cannot find any other explanation to disprove my spiritual beliefs.



Rabindranath Tagore
“Unending LoveI seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it’s age old pain,
It’s ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.”
Rabindranath Tagore, Selected Poems

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

Julia Quinn

“It suddenly made sense.  Only twice in his life had he felt this inexplicable, almost mystical attraction to a woman. He’d thought it remarkable, to have found two, when in his heart he’d always believed there was only one perfect woman out there for him.
His heart had been right. There was only one.”
Julia Quinn, An Offer From a Gentleman

Brian L. Weiss

“For truly we are all angels temporarily hiding as humans.”
Brian L. Weiss

Kelvin O'Ralph

“You’re the fire burning inside of me.”
Kelvin O’Ralph, The Beginning

Making Right out of a Wrong


If we know that we have wronged, how do we make things right?

An essential skill to learn in this world is to rise from the ashes when you get burned.  We as human beings have much to work out for the duration of our lives because of the immense amount of learning it takes to cultivate our being.  We are destined to screw up sometime, and because of our precarious natures, we bump into forces that give us resistance.  Not all of us had been raised by mother Teresa or by the Dalai Lama.

What I haven’t figured out is how do those people with nefarious values and aims fair in life?  People that have mistreated others, people who have been arrogant, unkind, selfish, hedonistic, and obtuse can seem to lead extraordinary lives.  Maybe it is in the inside that makes them mask and hide as poignantly told by Oscar Wilde’s novel the picture of Dorian Gray.

Dorian Gray observes the corruption recorded in his portrait, in the film The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945).

In Wilde’s novel the character of Dorian Gray is the subject of a full-length portrait in oil by Basil Hallward, an artist who is impressed and infatuated by Dorian’s beauty; he believes that Dorian’s beauty is responsible for the new mode in his art as a painter. Through Basil, Dorian meets Lord Henry Wotton, and he soon is enthralled by the aristocrat’s hedonistic worldview: that beauty and sensual fulfillment are the only things worth pursuing in life.  Unlike the academic Faust, the gentleman Dorian makes no deal with the Devil, who is represented by the cynical hedonist Lord Henry, who presents the temptation that will corrupt the virtue and innocence that Dorian possesses at the start of the story.  Throughout, Lord Henry appears unaware of the effect of his actions upon the young man; and so frivolously advises Dorian, that “the only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing.”

Understanding that his beauty will fade, Dorian expresses the wish to sell his soul, to make sure that the picture, rather than he, will age and fade.  The wish is granted, and Dorian pursues a libertine life of varied and amoral experiences; all the while his portrait ages and records every soul-corrupting sin.  Deciding that only full confession will absolve him of wrongdoing, Dorian decides to destroy the last vestige of his conscience.  Enraged, he takes the knife with which he murdered Basil Hallward, and stabs the picture.  The servants of the house awaken on hearing a cry from the locked room; on the street, passers-by who also heard the cry fetch the police.  On entering the locked room, the servants find an unknown old man, stabbed in the heart, his face and figure withered and decrepit.  The servants find the disfigured corpse by the rings on his fingers to belong to their master; beside him is the picture of Dorian Gray, reverted to its original beauty.

I wonder if a penance will be paid for the wrong doing of our misdeeds?  If for every transgression some part of our soul will be tainted and judged later reflecting in the lives we lead, or if we make amends by reversing prior offenses by living justly and honorably will our previous misconduct be forgiven?

I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.

Mahatma Gandhi

I think maybe Mahatma Gandhi was correct.  Why worry about these matters if we have the power to file them as they should be filed, out of our consciousness, out of our worry, so that we can free ourselves of any debate about such matters that will only cause us to focus on the wrong part of the equation in human endeavors.

I guess we all have some work to do when we think back on mistakes we have made.  Going forward and learning from these mistakes is our intervention to prevent ourselves from repeating the same mistakes over and over if we just pay attention and make amends.


Alexander Pope

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”

Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism


Aldous Huxley quotes

Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. ROLLING IN THE MUCK IS NOT THE BEST WAY OF GETTING CLEAN.

~ Aldous Huxley (July 26, 1894 – November 22, 1963)