The dream: 2247 Baily Avenue.

The childhood home — one room where I grew up, and then the other room, once my brother’s, where I stayed with my own children for a time after my divorce.

Two kinds of shame: one as a child, and one as an adult.
The shame of the adult takes an even tighter hold on the constraints of your manhood when it is shared with your own children. That differs from the shame you carry as a child yourself, growing up in the house of pain.

How you deal with the shame you feel depends a great deal on the audience around you.

Note

The trauma: CEN or childhood emotional neglect: CPTSD

The father: authoritarian narcissistic

The mother: codependent, and lived in fear, but also looked away and did not protect

The ex-wife: also authoritarian with a need for control

In one room, you are the child

And in another room, you have your children who see

Two rooms in the same bewilderment

The common denominator: me

The activities of a child versus

The activities of a man

The comparison is poignant

But the shame still stands

I now understand my trauma

Unhealed wounds must be processed through connection

In silence, they fester unseen

So with this testimony, I raise my objection

One shame is learned

One is self created

The burdens of inequity

When you point the finger at yourself – it’s related

The lessons of accountability

And the politics of shame

It’s extremely hard to point the finger

When the finger is pointed at your name

Oh how we justify

The economy of quid pro quo

Just what do we testify?

Sometimes, I don’t rightly know

Like sitting in your own church

Like sitting in your own pew

Just what will we receive?

Just what will we do?

In childhood I learned to overthink

In adulthood, I did the same

I now try to integrate emotion

The man, the boy, and the claim

Over 50 years with living in silence

The reflection from the polished mirror, I am now me

Funny how when I start to go blind

It is now that I begin to truly see

CLG

…

DCG

: Nicolas Sparks

I have sometimes limited my focus on my perspectives in life, and have often become caught up in a stream of events that I might not have anticipated. If my decisions about how to behave in the world are not aligned to my aspirations, I will surely disappoint my vigilant intuitions. Ultimately I reason that the mind is the charioteer of the will, the reflexive unconscious and gut, and the feelings of the heart that impels our behavior in the world. But if we do not have a balance of these integral human motivating agencies, then we find ourselves beguiled and possibly left empty. Precisely where we have a greater capacity for “possibility thinking” and achievement lies predominantly within the realm of the mind. Those who do not stride forward with their life’s ambitions often have failed to sail toward a once planned venture. They are rudderless, and follow a current that may lead them to unexpected courses in their voyages.

Plato’s Charioteer Tripartite Mind

1) Mind: Charioteer

2) White Noble Horse on Right: Spirit

3) Black Ugly Horse on Left: Appetites

Listening and acting on the advice from others and not acknowledging our own hearts may be a lifelong undertaking that leads us to misadventure. When reaching for greener pastures, we ought not to overlook that which is right in front of us. We become dissuaded and influenced by those around us, as we begin to doubt our own capabilities and ambitions which tend to slowly diffuse and disassemble as if they had never existed. The passion once felt is shrouded deep within our former selves replaced by other transitional interests that cover the deeper longings of our hearts. I have an affinity to what Henry David Thoreau set out to discover on his stay at Walden Pond.

Henry David Thoreau

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

― Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience and Other Essays

American philosopher and naturalist Thoreau isolated himself at Walden Pond in Massachusetts from 1845 to 1847. His experiences during that time are published in Walden (1854), which Thornton Wilder called “a manual of self-reliance.” In a well-known passage, Thoreau stated his purpose: “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation…” In the first essay, “Economy,” Thoreau comments that most men are slaves to their work and enslaved to those for whom they work. He concludes: “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation….”

If we embrace our heart, activate our resolve and nourish the potential of our minds, we create a force that is so powerful, the world of possibility becomes exponentially larger. But why do we not follow our “gut” feelings, and we delude our better judgements? Much of this comes from listening to external sources, and all too often from our own voice of self-doubt. We disband our goal to unify our lives with our passions by accident or by misdirection of an immersed ego caught up in a distraction filled world.

When we take a path with the least resistance, we may misplace our heart’s desires with a surrogate. Our lives are tempered with contention that customarily helps us find a quintessence in contrast to the banalities met in a lifetime. We must never allow ourselves to detach from possibility! Fortuity can be a life renewing salvation or equitably a life saving virtue if we are cognizant of it. The first step is taken when we recognize this dynamic in the equation. First and foremost, we must be open for opportunity. We must be receptive and keen to providential forces that dwell within our mortality.

But what creates possibility? The most satisfying creation comes from our own doing even if it is initiated indirectly; such as the consequence of our own talents which may open opportune doors to us. There exists possibilities that we are aware of, and those we are unaware of. There exists possibilities that we may never actualize, and those that we may never appreciate because we are caught up in other distractions or have distorted the inner balance within our minds.

☥☥☥

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.

Steve Jobs

I’ve realized that I must aspire to create a cohesion between the mind and the feeling centers of my being. I usually operate on an intellectual level better than the emotional level because it comes to me more easily. Ironically I show great depth of empathy for others yet I fail to sometimes envision my own deeper feelings and emotive motivators that direct me. In establishing a cohesion with all of these forces is the challenge to be reconciled. This could be a daily routine, and with practice one can hope to achieve the balance necessary to bring about change in one’s life that aligns with a true self image. I ask of myself only for patience and dedication, as the rest will take care of itself! I say unto you live a life of possibility, and you will realize the intention you set out to do.

Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.