I’ve lain awake for most of the night tossing and turning because my mind is restless.  I not sure why I am this way but I have reason to believe it is because I long for something more in the life I am following.  There is also another reason that occurs to me.  The reasoning is as ancient as we are a species I surmise.  The will to change comes from an influence of people I love or hold in high regard.  However this inspiration transforms us into significant lasting changes within us, it has an equal importance in the renewal that aids us in becoming better people.  The transformational qualities that a person can have on you are just as valuable as the benefits received from the changes that occur within us.

There are some days when you are lying in bed, just trying to relax so that you can drift off to sleep, and become vexed because you cannot seem to quiet your mind.  It races and keeps focused on some deeper questions when all other insignificant issues drop away from my conscious thoughts.  However disturbing this can be, it can also become a liaison to change; an event that forces you to do something different and shift the course you are on.

I know only that I am thoughtful about being a better man than the one I am today.  I’ve discovered that to truly enrich my life I can start allowing myself to extinguish the unnecessary convictions I have previously held on to that no longer serve me.  I seem driven by forces that are not satisfied with the status quo of my person-hood.  I remember that this has happened to me before, (sleepless nights from an induced restless mind), and during that time I began a quest of change, a transformation of a former self.

During this younger self I focused on behaviors that would improve my physical appearance (my health and well-being).  I acquired a job that would allow me to fund my intellectual goals and maintain my financial autonomy.  I also found quality friends for my social development.  Those were sound choices at the time, but what I didn’t account for was the hidden injuries and baggage of my mind that became more evident as I aged only to resurface again later on in my life.  Thus again I must pursue a path to cleanse me of these burdens that weigh me down and impede my development.

I must say I have much work to do since I have allowed myself to derail from previous developments.  We cannot always predict what we will encounter in this life, and things happen that swedes us into disbanding some of our best efforts and behaviors.  I could honestly say on occasion that the ‘two steps forward and one step back’ cliché in my case translates more like stumbling on my way forward only to fall back into a past footprint!

I have previously written on this topic, but what I have not detailed is the sleepless nights where my mind is running at a pace that I cannot diffuse.  It is an awakening deep within me that is making its way to be known in my head and my heart.  I do not plan on such things as they deeply affect me as I can only allow them to guide me and let these feelings run their course.  Wonderful things can happen under the influence of such a powerful emotion.  Not all of our feelings will be brought into the light, because of the many complexities of this world.  We bury them deep within us to protect any miscalculation, we tuck them away because we may never act on them due to the circumstances.  Sometimes this may be wise for us to handle such matters in this way, and sometimes it is a very unfortunate risk that was never taken, and thus haunts us until our death-bed.

I do not know all the reasons why, I often think about every possible angle I can get my head around it, but the heart wants what it wants, and so I am left on occasion sleepless in San Diego.

I have no illusions to make about my situation.  It is there for me to use this energy and direct myself into an unknown outcome.  It is not the first time, and may not be the last, but I can certainly say that it can be a force to reckon with.  If executed with diligence and wisdom this kind of development can be an awesome motivational springboard.  The above video is symbolic in how we become moved and charmed by those in our lives.

Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time

Who knows? Only time

Enya