Diggin in the Dirt

 

 

I reread much of some of my past journals these last few days.
I have written about my health good and bad, my ideas and thoughts, my relationships, financial and economic burdens I’ve faced, my habits good and bad, my family thoughts and relations, my coping skills, my music and movie preferences, my childhood memories, my research on philosophy / psychology of life, my political ideas, and pretty much anything I was interested in at the moment I was writing.
I see patterns throughout the many years I have put pen to paper. Some good and some bad. The over examination and possibly the under achievements that I may have capitalized on more had my discipline been better, despite the monumental achievements made when I was in my prime and working and going to SDSU.
I guess it’s never too late. Just need to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do!
My nemesis! Not knowing or able to dream the dream of my deepest wish. I don’t think I’ve soured that much to be able to figure it out, but I just might need some help in doing so. Maybe some good counseling sessions will do me good if I’m able to break through the choice in good counselors.
Getting myself on the right path is a start.
My sacrifice for letting the wrong side controlling my inner and outer affairs. Should have seen this coming, or if I did, should have been better able to combat its tyranny over my soul! Get back to the old self. Get back to the ever-lovin’ need to excel beyond my own capabilities and self-actualize into a better person.
I’ve let the core me enslaved by the weaker ruling entanglements of myself which only pretend to be a source for treating a hurtful soul. A lie that continues to deplete my inner resources and keeps me captive in my own self-imposed hell. You’d think I’d learn by now.

Working my life in an industry that is not rewarding for my creative desires was not the best decision I’ve made. I think I’ve let too many influences distract me into a less optimal mindset. Some of those influences I take full responsibility for since they germinated from within my mind. The origins of frustration, dissatisfaction and improper focus of my abilities which has in essence dulled my senses and motivation to move out from under the trappings of such ideas. At a younger age I was full of wanting to know, wanting to learn and becoming someone of admirable fortitude and perseverance to excel. This motivation was later discovered by the inner rage of wanting to escape a very emotionally and intellectually impoverished family upbringing.
I was truly on my way, but at some point I stopped advancing, and for reasons not yet completely known, I began to listen to an inner self that took me away from some of my most cherished goals. No sound advise was ever given to me by practically anyone other than some of the books I’ve read, or some of those things you hear from your school mates that you take it or leave it if you believe what they say. The dissemination’s of those suggesting that they have some ego-related pearls of wisdom about their encounters with the opposite sex were tossed around constantly from time to time through-out my adolescent and young adult life as well, but fragments of these would only be taken for any of its passing value. Nay, not many mentions of others actually helped me in my dealing with the opposite sex during my early maturation. I think my own experiences and observations provided me with the only information I had to go on, and painfully learn from, though I must admit many very good lessons are now with me.

I pride myself in not becoming what many of my peers had succumbed to in their plights of passage.  I’m no prude, but I can at least say I am over-all very happy with my treatment of such matters. I do have a few exceptions, that I have learned from, and will hopefully not ever repeat again.  I have some painful lessons learned that I can rely on again to help me never stray away from my true self image and demeanor towards those I may see. The judgment part in situations of the relationship is often or sometimes so elusive and difficult to see clearly on just what is going on. Especially when our emotional/psychological factors intervene and at times are simply incorrect or not reliable. I fear this to be a problem, but like any problem, solutions have made themselves avail to those who look clearly.

Oh those old lessons learned from your past, gotta love em.

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