In my adolescence and early adulthood, I looked at the world in such a way that kept me from fully understanding my self-worth.  In the beginning I was shy, and so I learned to listen very carefully to others as to not make a fool of myself.  I eventually discovered that others like me did not have the world ‘all sussed’ out either and after years of my growing pains, I matured.

Since my own experiences were limited, I learned from others by careful observation, and this was of great value to me.  I think that I may have discovered something that has profoundly helped me at times during these years that exemplifies the cliche…”sometimes we make choices, and sometimes the choices make us”!

There were junctures in my life that on occasion would defy logic.  Events that would lead me into supportive and welcoming bonds, and impel me to choose wisely, but this would not be recognized fully until many years later in retrospect.  It is still partly unclear to me how I created these paths which later harvested favorable spiritual dividends in my life.  The “spiritual dividends” I reference can be seen in the positive reciprocity experienced in relationships and experiences.  It could be discovered in the present moment or it could be discovered in the memories from years past of people you have associated with.  Something about the friendship or knowledge learned helped you in some way to experience the world in a different way.  It’s when you see things from a different perspective that may open up new pathways for discovery that may not have existed before the influence of those people, or the influence of the knowledge from a book you read, or a movie you have seen.

This has not happened too often for me in my life, but when it did, I was immeasurably better off than my earlier self.  I can easily state that I have also struggled with my dealings with others from time to time and wondered just where that operating principle that I once drew upon and administered had gone to?  Did I disband it in favor of a growing appetite for ego?  However it may have operated, when it did, I’m not certain if the consciousness I experienced was revealed by an already preexisting awareness I embraced, or if it was some other perceptive discernment that sanctioned the pursuit I was now undertaking?

I think there was something extraordinarily happening in the manifestation of this dynamic because for the ages I discovered this ethereal wisdom, I recognized I was greatly more aware of the effects of my deeds and thoughts than some of my contemporary peers.  Was it an ethic I was living and did it collectively embody my attention?  I had spent years reading and researching people I admired who were living positive lives, reading about philosophy and psychology, and trying to understand what it was in this life that would embrace my heart and free my mind of unwanted burdens.

I don’t think it was an arrogance that operated within me at the time, and I was certainly no more psychologically or spiritually advanced than those I observed around me, but I was struck with a feeling that a ‘goodness’ was weaving its influence into the life I was living.  Strangely this dynamic is often indifferent for the sympathetic soul in search of a better life and the intellective attribute can be lost or misplaced if you are not cautious.  I think It has much to do with our subconscious thinking when it is present, but it also takes a conscious effort to enable its presence.  It is not always present, and after years of not experiencing this sensation, I have come to realize that it is a skill to be learned and to cultivate this zoetic principle, you must take an effort to actualize before any benefit will arise.

Oddly I have gone though periods that have eluded these earlier lessons.  I think it has something to do with gains I have made in self-confidence and ego, as well as possibly diminishing my ability of empathetic tuning by not attending to the ethic of reciprocity.  It is also possible that I just simply choose unwisely in my associations.

When I reminisce, I often think about times in which I was happy.  Not just content, but excited about my life.  I was either accomplishing something, setting goals and meeting them, or the people I valued influenced me and gave me something that is sometimes hard to verbalize.  The friendships of those people who give you worth and make you want to be a better person are of special importance for me.  It gave me motivation to excel.  My only positive emotional outlet were the good friends I had since I did not have an equally supportive family.  If you lose these kinds of relationships, you can lose the motivation to grow.  That was a lesson I did not plan on having to learn the hard way, but such is life.

I place value on these kinds of friendships because lets face it, we need others to turn to at times, we need others to support our endeavors as they need our support.  We are not pillars of virtue, and must progress in our lives by the help and influence of others.  Much of my struggle growing up was dealing with a family that had diminished emotional capacities.  I could not share my feelings with them let alone identify and express my feelings to them or to myself.  This was something new to me.  I learned very early that I had only myself to rely upon when I was a kid.  I think it had to do with how well adjusted I “appeared” to be, even though the truth was far from that assessment.  The youngest of two sons, I was the quiet, behaved, and studious one.  I think because of this appearance, I was not given the emotional support I would have liked.  I must admit that I probably would not have accepted any such support at the time because of my ambivalence to my parents and brother due to the estranged dynamic that was part of the family I was born in.  Thus my starving for some kind of emotional connection began very early for me.

Fortunately I did not project any maladaptive behaviors at an early age to others, and I learned to just see all that unfolded before me without presenting any judgement partially because of my naiveté.

I was emotionally hindered in my expression of feelings to others because of the emotional ambivalence I grew up with.  I did not learn that my feelings were important for my well being.  I did not learn until much later that the validation of having feelings and integrating our minds together with our hearts is crucial to becoming a whole human being.  But something about this handicap helped me later in life as I grew out of those harmful times.  Having an impoverished emotional outlet can be excruciatingly lonely.  But I somehow sought out for answers my family could not provide me with, I secretly questioned and I observed those people around me hoping to find the void that was filling my heart and mind.

Quite frankly I focused on how I would like to be treated, and on how I should treat others as well.  Yes the golden rule!  If you truly embrace this edict, you will authentically see into the hearts of others that can have an extremely powerful transformation of spirit within you and within others.

Of course not all people will follow in kind because they have not opened their hearts or are ill-bred and plainly deficient people.  Obviously the biblical verse here gives an account that this problem has been part of the human condition for some time.

So if you feel that there is some operating principle in the universe that has some karmic end, I can only say what has felt right for me.  Sometimes when I think about it, it is the simplest of things that can make a huge difference in your life and the lives of those you love.

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