Still Looking
A poem for the people who have studied themselves and are still a little lost
I have been taking myself apart for years
and still I can’t explain the wreck
I know the diagrams, I’ve read the books
and still something’s caught in the neck
I’ve sat with therapists in quiet rooms
and walked out with the same old ache
the mirror offers nothing I don’t know
and still I can’t sleep when I wake
I know exactly how I pull away
I know the name of every wall
I built the taxonomy, laid it out flat
and then I went and did it all
There was a child who learned that love was leaving
who waited by a window every night
and when love finally stayed I found a reason
to stand up and turn off the light
The damage doesn’t stop when you discover it
it doesn’t care what you have named
it bleeds right through the bandage of your learning
and someone new gets stained
I’ve handed people maps of all my damage
said here’s the wound, here’s where it leads
and then I watched myself go right along
and plant the same old seeds
But something in the writing keeps me grounded
it pulls me back to what is real
not fixed, not freed, just willing to return
and say again what I still feel
There is a dignity in looking twice
in going back when nothing’s changed
the work is not the cure, the work is witness
a record of the strange
Fragility is not the proof of failure
the crack is where the light comes through
the fool who names his folly has more standing
than the one who never knew
I am not a villain for the wounds I carry
but I’m the one who gets to choose
I know the punchline now — it’s still worth laughing
at what I couldn’t bear to lose
About This Poem
I’ve been writing about myself for over fourteen years — the patterns, the contradictions, the gap between what I understand and what I actually do — and I still don’t have a tidy answer. That used to embarrass me. It doesn’t anymore, quite. What I’ve come to believe is that the examined life isn’t a problem to be solved; it’s a practice to be kept. This poem is about the specific frustration of knowing yourself well and still finding yourself at the same old crossroads — and why I think that frustration, named honestly, is worth more than a false arrival. If you’ve ever read something about attachment or self-sabotage and thought yes, that’s exactly it and then watched yourself do the thing anyway, you already know what this poem is about. My blog and Substack, going on fourteen years now, are built for the people who are still in that gap — not defeated by it, just honest about it.
Who This Is For
For the people who feel things deeply but can’t always find the words — and for whom someone else’s words, when they land right, feel like being heard for the first time. For the people sitting in the middle distance between belief and doubt, between knowing and doing, between who they were and who they’re trying to become. For anyone who has ever understood their own damage completely and still had to live through it anyway. That’s who I write for. That’s you.
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DCG
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