All Things Must Pass

It’s hard to rise in the morning

If you care not to wake from your bed

With no purpose or motivation

Stirring around in your head

Maybe a prayer or a call from a good friend

Will revive your resolution

Showing you it’s not as bad as you thought

Giving you a light of absolution

It’s possible to think too highly of ourselves

It’s also possible to think of the other extreme

How do we balance the equation?

How do we maintain a healthy routine?

Those who are conscientious

Those who are thoughtful

Just may be more likely

To observe and be watchful

When you place yourself under intense scrutiny

Sometimes you look to closely into your heart

Unable to forgive past misgivings

Not sure how to make a new start

Listen carefully

Allow for a heart to heal

All things must pass

It’s all about how you make the deal

DCG

A Prayer to Rescind

A grieving lonely sod

Whispers silently in the wind

Heard only by the angels

A prayer to rescind

Abandoned house

Sits on a hill

built long ago

Are there memories that dwellith still?

Modest furniture

Much in disrepair

A family gone away

Leaves no laughter there

The last owner spent his money

Upgrades to a sorrowful house

Neither spending time with his children

Neither spending time with his spouse

This home was his castle

Attributing higher value to it then his kin

A bewitchment of the Devil?

A bewitchment from narcissistic whim?

The wares of our deception

Account for much of the blame

Whom will take any account?

Whom will take any shame?

Beseech the broken-hearted

Only the down-trodden know

This cumbersome attachment

A broken family can bestow


DCG

The Thing about Self-Reliance


innocence is taken

A worldview now changed

Conflict we create

Conflict we sustain

There are no shadows in the darkness

They only appear in the spotlight

Memories go undisturbed

If they remain out of our sight

We blindfold ourselves

The hard truths that we have forgotten

This doesn’t take the sting away

Out of the misbegotten

I need your support

I can’t see the light anymore

I’m surrounded by this darkness

Can’t find my way to the door

The thing about self-reliance

We sometimes lose our way

The solace we seek is hidden

Beneath the pain in our decay

We hide this from those around us

Family, friends, and our workmates

Only to endure this suffering

A dark force within that resonates

The awakening to tip the scale

Can always be found in this daze

Allow yourself to be in the present

The past is but a fog and a haze

The choice becomes right before us

With every breath and every step we take

Walk in the light of our knowing

That this path is ours to make


DCG

House of Cards


I’ve paid my debt

My patience my coin

Taxed on the outcome

My friend chaos I rejoin

How to replace the adversity we face?

Dissolution of our expectations

The silent tears leave no trace

Disquietude is clear no songbirds do we hear

The grays dominate

The grays begin to appear

Misfortune is met with an unchanging mindset

A tailspin attached

Down an alley with no outlet

A house of cards

Built by a stack that is balanced and displayed

Won’t win the game from the suit and hand underneath that is played

If I had to wager

One thing is for sure

There is no certainty

In the probably of a life

That is insecure

At the quantum level

Heraclitus was right

A metaphysics in flux

A human intuition to excite

DCG

Whom Among Us

It’s pretty tricky

This life that I lead

Haunted by the memories

Unforgiven for past misdeeds

I think it’s safe to assert

I am not alone

The honest disenchanted

And those who must atone

The mind will resist

All the internal pain

Faulty logic diverts from guilt

Faulty logic diverts from shame

The intolerable truth

That some may make claim

The sociopathic’s proclivity

On the affected one’s disdain

To face the world again

The twelve steps you take

Only save a few

From their self-imposed heartache

The fact to consider

The fact we can take away

The challenge for every heart to give of itself

And forgive each other st the end of the day

The complexity in life

Often exposes us to threats

Some we escape from

Some we may have regrets

Learning by trial and error

Mistakes will be made

Some sorrows will accumulate

Some sorrows will fade

Before you cast your judgements

And all witness accounts are in

Whom among us will forgive?

Whom among us will begin?


DCG

Self-Absorbed

I’m caught in a place

Deep and dark inside

Nowhere to go

Nowhere to hide

Alone and conflicted

Lines on my face

A fractured awareness

It’s not a good place

Self-absorbed

I cannot see

Beyond the self

Beyond my own need

I’m self-absorbed

Don’t count on me

Can’t free myself

Wouldn’t you agree

My friends try and tell me

You don’t step on hollowed ground

Another judgement played

Another judgement found

Don’t walk thru this life

And disregard the rest

When we see all as part of one

We see all are put to the test

Self-absorbed

I cannot see

Beyond the self

Beyond my need

I’m self-absorbed

Don’t count on me

Can’t free myself

wouldn’t you agree

Pay attention of those around us

Even the blind man sees

Another man’s misfortune

Another man’s pleas

We all seek belonging

We all share this creed

So why do we stray away?

Why do we indeed?
DCG

http://https://soundcloud.com/vikingthundergod/self-absorbed-v2

 

 

An Island Never Cries

 

A winter’s day, in a deep and dark December
I am alone, gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock, I am an island

I’ve built walls, a fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain
I am a rock, I am an island

Don’t talk of love well I’ve heard the words before
It’s sleeping in my memory
And I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock, I am an island

I have my books and my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor, hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock, I am an island

And a rock can feel no pain
And an island never cries

 

The importance of supportive people in our lives is essential for any growth to occur if you are feeling down and having trouble getting out of the situation you are in by yourself.  We cannot rely upon our own voices when we are subject to a diminishing view of our affairs because we have the weight of our problems on our minds.  Our voices may take us away from an uplifted path that keeps us focused and rational.  We will often sabotage ourselves when these voices begin to take a dominant role in our thinking.  We begin to doubt ourselves, and we will neglect important daily functions, and even neglect anything that is not imperative for our being able to function without others knowing about our hidden pain we keep from their acknowledgements.

As for myself, I know all to well the burdens of an inner voice that will push out supportive help in times that one can benefit from such influence.  Why I continue to push others away is hard to say but it is still as painful as when I began this behavior during the time of my childhood many years ago.  As an adult, I have relied upon those close to me, but at times I have not had anyone to give me any emotional cadence in my time of need.  I don’t think it is for the same reasons that the Simon and Garfunkel song speak about; in that they reference a bitter unrequited love remark in the song I interpret as one that is of poetic sarcasm.  On the other hand I can relate to coping by isolation from others, as it is an intentional strategy to remove oneself from the potential of discovery.  The loss of trust in others can also bring about a failure to console with others.

Thus, we who think we are “islands” or “rocks” keep ourselves under the illusion that we do not need others to help us.  We are in fact self-sufficient and can do without the interference of others.  But this is only a lie we tell ourselves, a condition we impose to subsist without the help from others.  In my experience this seldom works, and is only a reminder of how we need the connection of others to give us sound information when we fail to see things in a clearer light.  We will lose ourselves in a fog of our own making if we cannot rely upon another sensibility, when we have forgotten our value and are challenged by a personal weakness of spirit.

What is most sad is that family members do not even know what is going on because of the nature of the relationship you are in.  They may be oblivious to the precarious nature of your thoughts, and do not reach out, but even more despairing is that they do not even really notice.  If you are indeed a good actor, you can fool them, which is fair to say that this is responsible for their nihilism of your condition.

The fact that so many people are living under such tribulation is testament to the widespread nature of this malady.  The breakdown of the family, the problems of the current state of affairs in human governance; geopolitics, economics, world poverty, racial escalation of indifference, and business ethics are symptoms of a culture in retrograde.  For these reasons alone the mind tells us that we cannot rely upon others.  The castle cannot be built upon the sand, and we continue to live thinking that this is justifying our behavior and continue to live in isolation.  But when all is said and done, we will never make a better vision unless we have the help from others who can right our errors of thinking.  We must rely upon others given the right foundations, otherwise we will not live to see better days.  We forget we can often be our worst enemy and be more brutal than the others we initially fear.

Understanding that the world can be a mad adventure, does not exclude that we must live under such conditions alone.  We should seek out those to help support our sanity.  Change can occur from resistance or from an inspirational fortitude.  Metaphorically the rock is hard and unchanging, but truthfully a rock can still erode from other forces upon it.  Removing the metaphoric analogy our strength does not come from being stoic and in isolation.  Rather, if we join our forces with others, strength can again become our salvation in a time of need.  Sealing our hearts off from the views of others may be the tale we tell ourselves to survive, and saving heartache is the reason for such a decision, but in truth we cannot use this kind of strategy for every occasion since we would dwindle our spirits down to an indistinguishable relic which would end up defining us as emotional apparitions.

Nay, we should learn to deal with this heartache and extend ourselves appropriately to others as to reignite our burning fires.

 

Alan W. Watts

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.”
Alan W. Watts
Confucius

“It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.”
Confucius
Alan W. Watts

“If you cannot trust yourself, you cannot even trust your mistrust of yourself – so that without this underlying trust in the whole system of nature you are simply paralyzed”
Alan W. Watts
Leo Buscaglia

“Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
Leo Buscaglia
Mother Teresa

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”
Mother Teresa, A Simple Path: Mother Teresa

 

 

 

Navigating with a Broken Compass

The story of living with dysthymia may not be as bleak as it may sound. It has opened many doors for me as a child and as an adult. On one hand it has given me a very reflective outlook on life, and on another it has driven me to look for answers I may not have ever discovered if not affected by this condition. I have led a life that I am proud of, yet I think I have so much to learn and want to re-direct myself to expand outside my comfort zones personally and professionally. I would call myself an average person and have tried to do my best with what I have been given; but due to circumstances long ago I had no control over, I live with an extraordinary sense of existential bewilderment.

There are psychological details about ourselves that we are unaware of. We hold undisclosed secrets from others as well as hiding it from our own consciousness. Truths about the ways we behave, and the ways in which we think are often mistaken if little or no attention is paid to them. Traits within us have gone undetected because they are submerged deeply into our personalities and this often escapes discovery by not allowing others a glimpse inside. The circumstance that we are blind to these traits partly explains this failure of recognition from others and ourselves. We often do not know some of the reasons why we behave the ways we do, but we do know how to shield our own thoughts from others by not talking about them. We observe and interpret the world through the lens of privacy.

The psychological attributes that are part of our persona, that embed deep within us and have yet to be uncovered by ourselves or by others in their observations of us simply because we have not discovered them yet. Our family members and our friends have not revealed some of these inauspicious attributes that may have lain dormant inside our minds for many years. A fractured connection with family members at an early age is an unbearable hindrance. As for myself, the consequences of this relationship have left upon me a mark that has endured over half a century. There exists the possibility of a resulting psychogenic amnesia to past traumatic events or maybe a dissociative pattern of depersonalization that has fused itself within my earlier states of consciousness and this in turn has seized much of my life, which may explain why it resurfaces during times of duress. The fact of the parallels in observing an affective disorder going between a dysthymic to a major depressive episodic state has often diffused itself within my mind for much of my life. The endogenous nature of this connection seems likely if not apparent. Do the “bad feelings” experienced tend to be generated from within this maladaptive disorder? Does the condition become precipitated by life events that are manifested? The “cause and effect” are very hard to sort out and distinguish. We must not confuse “cause” with “correlation”, but isn’t that the million-dollar question?

I cannot say how many times as a child I’d wished for a better life, even more profoundly that I’d have never been born. That I did not want the life I was given, and that in my tears late at night, I’d wish my father would die because of the intolerable pain he would bring down upon me and the rest of my family when I was a boy. I would pray to end my suffering, as maybe I would like to die myself, than undergo another day living in that household. I think the sadistic nature of my father was possibly more hurtful to me than many of the other misbehaving things that he confronted us with. After years of growing up in a household being the object receiving random angry outbursts from our father, a narcissistic parent with low self-esteem that treated us in detest, instilling fear, and exhorting humiliation from us; has led me to question much of just what happened during those years growing up. The foundation for a faulty sense of self was framed during that time I imagine, and it has been a hell of a thing to shake all these years later. The sub-conscious thoughts that lead us to conclusions about ourselves are deeply rooted in this context.

If we were deeply injured in some way in the past, I believe that if we do not properly process this injury, or put it into a more conductive perspective, then we may again revisit those pains as they reappear in later events of our lives. To bring about a transformation when the sub-conscious becomes conscious, and the therapy may then begin to unfold the hidden toxins that enslave our opinions about ourselves. Many of these events may not trigger any responses from our friends or family until other episodes bring about something hidden deep within us. A sublimation of thoughts or behaviors experienced later on in life by those who do not put to rest the brutalities of a past time are often a truism I cannot deny.

When we somehow repress these memories, or replace them with newer ones, we may forget the misdeeds of the past. Unfortunately we can regress into a mindset that reminds us of these haunting memories from time to time. I am not sure of why I seem to bind myself to some of my former injuries but they have a presence that I cannot seem to escape from completely. Perhaps I have repressed the specific memories that upset me and I simultaneously held on to the pain that I immersed myself with from those days. However this dynamic works within me, I have subjugated myself to the damages sustained those many years ago. In a recent conversation with my brother I learned something about my struggle in words I have not thought of before after telling him of my thoughts on the matter. He asked why I seem to seek approval and acceptance from those that have treated me in an unkind way, or that those who have “f#*ked me over? I had not thought of it in that way before; using those words has not occurred to me in that I am somehow psychologically bound to those who have done an injustice to me, in that I am somehow seeking some approval despite their inhospitable treatment in dealing with me.

There is a scene in the perks of being a wallflower written by Peter Chbosky where the main character Charlie was admitted into a hospital for psychiatric care after he’d had a breakdown toward the end of the film adaptation of the book. He stated something in the film that struck me on a profound level because I can relate to the meaning of those specific words he uttered to the therapist.

“Maybe you can tell me how to stop it?” “Stop what” the therapist asks? Charlie goes on to try and explain. …“I can’t stop it. Seeing it. Their lives all the time, just how do you stop seeing it? There is so much pain, and ah, I do not know how to not notice it…. It’s not me, its them, its everyone, it never stops; do you understand?”…

I have a very close affinity with those words spoken in this fictional account of a character that strikes me very close to home. I have yet to describe my “sensitivities” any better than what has taken place within this book and movie in reference to the existential predicament he seems to be placed in.

In another scene in the movie, Charlie asks his favorite teacher, someone he trusts, why people enter into relationships that are not mutually beneficial, why some people allow others who are not good for them, and who do not appreciate them, but still tolerate them within the relationship they hold. In his words…”Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” The response from Charlie’s teacher Mr. Anderson was that for many of us; we simply accept the love that we think we deserve. The data to show this inference is overwhelming when we look at the compelling correlational evidence in abusive relationships.

The character of Charlie in the book is described by Chbosky as being composite’s of people he’d known in his life, if not loosely based upon himself altogether based on interviews given. This leads us to possibly conclude that he himself has survived some trauma endured within his own life given the character of Charlie, an emotionally sensitive 15-year-old boy grappling with two very traumatic experiences form his past.
His assertion of not being able to stop seeing it seems to be a central theme in my living experience. I have had some challenges in my adult life as well. When you consecutively experience disruptions on a psychological level throughout different periods of your life, you can find evidence of patterns that may populate the world in which you live. Ever since 911 I have tended to look much deeper into things I once took for granted in the world outside myself. The conclusions are not comforting, and are indicative of a discerning case study that is not able to turn off the negative factors that filter into our lives. I have now taken into account not only my disposition in relation to the world, but that of the world itself as well. It is a weight that brings me to my knees at times.

I have kept a secret for some time now from those all around me. I have navigated the social world brilliantly not allowing anyone inside the darker parts of my mind. I have worked and related to my family, friends, and others avoiding these troubling dispositions, pretending that I am fine, that I am normal, that I live an average life. But the truth is far from that assessment. Periodically I am prone to reflect about the world, and when I have entered into this world that preoccupied much of my thinking, I have a tendency to observe the disparities. Much of what others may take for granted, as they participate in the regular social norms and lead happy lives, I seem to be on the outside looking into a world that only has me looking down the rabbit hole; the farther I look, the more I see. In matrix phraseology;…“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” I do not think I am special, gifted or precocious, rather I am more transfixed on these disturbing themes that seem to occupy my mind and capture my attention probably more then it should which leaves me in unrest.

What is it, repressed memories, or some other troubling disturbing factor that continues to disrupt someone’s thinking? I cannot say, but to this day I struggle in my life to get beyond those days that seem to impact my disposition. I cannot seem to shake the disquietude that weaves it’s way into my present day. An unknown psychological/psychosocial factor that brings me down, and forces me to stay isolated in my own suffering and since it is hard to identify; I live with this unknown attribute of my persona that feeds a negative injurious incident when provoked. I exist only to rid myself of these troubling days, but cannot find the reason or path to forgive these unknown events that seem to scar me and pay their allegiance to my unrested soul. Abraham Lincoln once stated….”I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me.”

I have tried to educate myself, and have sought some counseling but was disappointed with the resulting counseling treatment of my problem and to no successful avail did I retain any suitable answers.
In my education I studied everything I could get my hands on to alleviate my quandary. Ironically I am hyper aware of my problem, yet I do not control the unconscious states that haunt me in my sleep, or the other hidden language of my thoughts that precede my cognitions that probably leads to much of my oppression. The emotional factor that haunts me is sometimes subdued by the rational factors but this psychological battle being waged endures the ages and goes on.

The rational factor can be victorious for sound reasonable positive thoughts, it can result in happiness and contentment following my own internal compass, but the emotional disruptive subtext usually takes me to some very dark places and leaves me in a mental paralysis as this ping pong game continues to play out. I am smart enough to figure out what is happening, but when the damaged emotional side of me kicks in, then I tend to fall into the depressive states that are classic textbook and mismanage my health, mismanage my daily affairs.

I’ve read of some studies that coincide with my own observations. Studying my life, my background, and my beliefs about my experiences, and studying psychology as one of my undergraduate majors; I had some good direction to further my understanding of depression.
Connecting these puzzle pieces together I was able to formulate one of my own theories as to why I seem to suffer: “learned helplessness”! The psychological community does not lean towards this theory in general due to the laboratory results with animals, but I found it very interesting.

Feeling of helplessness and loss of hope have been emphasized as basic depressive reactions by investigators of differing theoretical orientations. Bibring (1953) held the basic mechanism of depression is the ego’s shocking awareness of its helplessness in regard to its aspirations…such that the depressed person…has lost his incentives and gives up, not the goals, but pursuing them, since this proves to be useless in their mind.

Other symptoms include the possibility of being characterized with an “Anhedonic” problem of affect, which has come across my studies into this difficulty. In my case Anhedonia is the inability to experience joy or pleasure, and “blunting” of affect; or the lack of emotional reactivity. It is manifest as a failure to express feelings either verbally or non-verbally, especially when talking about issues that would normally engage the emotions. Also notable is a decrease of volition, or goal-directed activities initiated by the individual that is disrupted and is seen in maintaining a minimal standard of personal hygiene.

After searching the literature to find the most prevalent patterns of this affliction I found that they seem to stem from psychosocial factors in early childhood such as:
Early psychic trauma and increased vulnerability
This often leads to the development of defense mechanisms to cover-up the injuries, but what lies underneath this façade is an unresolved conflict of tension and anxiety, strong feelings of bitterness, resentment, and hate toward those offenders due to the inability or inexperience to fend off the emotional attacks.
Pathogenic parent-child and family interactions
Pseudo-mutuality and role inflexibility, faulty communication, and the undermining of personal authenticity are tantamount in the maladaptive behaviors learned in the establishment of affect disorders. Destructive marital interactions is a particular malignant feature of chronic undermining of the worth of a marital parent by the other makes it clear to the children that the parents did not respect or value each other. Considerable rigidity in the family role structure, which tended to depersonalize the children and block their growth toward maturity and self-direction, can be observed. Parental modeling of behavior to the children ideas, feelings, and demands that are mutually incompatible are examples of faulty communications. Amorphous patterns of thinking are characterized by failures in differentiation; here attention towards feelings objects, or persons is loosely organized, vague, and drifting. Fragmented thinking involves greater differentiation but lowered integration, with erratic and disruptive shifts in communication. Undermining personal authenticity such that no matter how a person feels or how they act, no matter what meaning they give their situation, their feelings are denuded of validity, their acts are stripped of their motives, intentions, and consequences, thus the situation is robbed of its meaning for them, so that they are totally mystified and alienated. In general, if parents create a family milieu inappropriate for training a child in the cognitive abilities essential for categorizing experience, thinking coherently, and communicating meaningfully, then if coupled with feelings of inadequacy and other damages to the child’s emerging self-concept, this may help explain the challenges of later cognitive distortions, communication failures, and difficulties in interpersonal relationships.
Faulty learning and coping
A confused sense of self-identity coupled with basic feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-devaluation tend to be prominent. Emotional insulation protects these individuals from the hurt of disappointment and frustration, but their regression enables them to lower their level of aspiration and accept a position of dependence. Projection helps them maintain feelings of adequacy and worth by displacement of blame.

The possibility of anxiety disorder in that of withdrawal disorders share common characteristics such as oversensitivity, unrealistic fears, shyness and timidity, pervasive feeling of inadequacy, and sleep disturbances. These symptoms often stem from the failure of an indifferent or detached parent to provide adequate guidance for the child’s development. Although the child is not necessarily rejected, neither is he adequately supported in mastering essential competencies and in gaining a positive self-concept.

Hurt, resentment, and guilt are closely related. When something is taken away from us, or something we want is not made available to us, we can feel hurt. Hurt is difficult for people to feel and express. So, some people avoid it by turning to anger. If we get angry with someone or something outside ourselves, it’s called resentment. If we get angry with ourselves, it’s called guilt. Anytime we feel anger – whether it’s expressed as guilt or resentment – there’s hurt underneath it. Since we usually don’t hurt over things that we do not care about, then finding the way to transition out of hurt has to do with the attachment we assign our care to! If this does not work then the usual forgive and forget often imparted to us is a fundamental teaching.

I will not go into the biological treatments often using Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) because I do not give attention to methods that merely medicate for a treatment that is in need of so much more understanding, even though they may restore typical brain functioning with the manipulation of these neurotransmitters. I still see the genesis of problems for myself created more in the behavioral and cognitive learning adaptations that can thus to be corrected in similar manner. The multi-disciplinary approach of therapy using behavioral, cognitive, humanistic, gestalt, existential, and stress-inoculation along with the power of the will is my prescription to clarify this adversity.

Some people who have battled Depression:

King Solomon
John Adams
William Blake
Ludwig von Beethoven
Hans Christian Anderson
Isaac Asimov
Truman Capote
Jim Carrey
Johnny Carson
Dick Cavett
Ray Charles
Winston Churchill
Frederic Chopin
Rodney Dangerfield
Charles Darwin
John Denver
Johnny Depp
Charles Dickens
Emily Dickinson
Bob Dylan
F. Scott Fitzgerald
William Faulkner
Marvin Gaye
Ernest Hemingway
William James
Franz Kafka
John Keats
John Lennon
Abraham Lincoln
Michelangelo
John Stuart Mill
Claude Monet
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Isaac Newton
Friedrich Nietzsche
Brad Pitt
Edgar Allan Poe
James Taylor
Leo Tolstoy
Mark Twain
Vincent van Gogh
Walt Whitman
Oscar Wilde

 

The Burdens of Absolution

There are many examples in one’s life to draw upon when reflecting on the events which can lead one to re-evaluate the effectiveness of their life.  This is especially true when one considers the relations between family members or other significant relationships that would have an influence on their assessment.  I have often been told that I “Think too much”, or that I “Care too much”, either because I question the events that happen in my life and I want to be aligned with the truth, or that I have been scarred from nefarious ethical encounters that have left an impression on me thus I make an extra effort not to be presumptuous. I believe the criticism for spending too much time on trying to solve the moral issue has been raised and I attribute much of this to my conscientious nature.  If I over-analyzed the situation, then I believe it is due to the fact that I failed to benefit from what was modeled to me when I was younger or the behavior modeled did not meet conditions I felt comfortable with.  I questioned everything internally as I was ambivalent to my examples that were modeled to me in my youth.

At times it is a misfortune to follow your conscience which can indeed make things seem much more grievous than they actually are if you do not go ahead with an accurate perspective upon reflection.  When I look around and see others who seem not to have the same difficulties I seem to endure, I often look deeper within myself, and I also look around me to find the answers that gnaw at the very essence of my soul.
Why do I suffer, whereas others do not?

Those that do not share any sort of sound moral code I’m aware of, or those with an ethical guideline that does not exclude them from benefiting from their social transactions seems to be a rare breed and is clearly identifiable but is not really the focus of this post.  The evidence of a world swept-up in an ego-centrism observed in human history through-out the millennium is not a difficult argument to make.

Nowadays one only needs to look towards the newly drafted legislation’s, the countless governing bodies to find ample cases of corruption and vice.  Egregious examples of human behavior is found on all levels of society, and seems a prominent force in the world.  Faulty reasoning, self-deception, denial, self-centered ego-based grasp of reality all lead to conclusions that distort the perspectives of people and lead to ethical problems that are found in everyday life.  The reason for establishing laws are to govern those that cannot govern themselves when situations occur.  Unfortunately this form of rule also has its challenges due to the fallibility of human beings. The foundation for a social collapse imminent in many countries around the world as can be evidenced by the Coup D’état ruling factions that have taken control.

On the personal level, the same principles still apply even though one may want to fight for liberty if the state is the oppressor, and one may liberate themselves with a different method in contrast to the matters of the heart. No matter how much you can be hurt by the actions of others, no matter how personal you internalize the pain, and suffering from the result of others behavior,  the final analysis depends greatly on our ability to accept responsibility for our behavior, and ultimately our forgiveness of them and ourselves.

The exoneration of the self is a very hard thing to do when we face resistance.  There can be much pain and suffering experienced unless we move out from that attachment which bonds us to our thinking, and our feelings when confronting the moral questions about our relationships despite whatever erroneous arguments we meet.  This is especially true when the judgements of other family members are involved.  The acceptance of truth is fundamental key to resolving any angst we attach to our dealings with others but in does not always diminish the emotional pain experienced. When it seems that the world is not favorable to the view we hold about the events that have taken place, we are disheartened and with diminished strength we become susceptible to losing our perspectives due to the opposing antagonism we face.  We become disenchanted and will often doubt our original findings if we subscribe to the conflicting view. If even the conflicting view has no basis in reality, but they are continually insistent, they can often beat you down through their ignorance and manipulations that wear out your tolerances.

However one feels, granted the truth is very important, but it will never always be mutually shared by all members in a misunderstanding.  That is why the principle of forgiveness is important to use as a vehicle to move forward in a situation despite the mutual reckoning of a situation.  I cannot state how many times I have struggled with this obstacle in my dealings with opposing views due to the self-imposed interests of the self-centered. Since the search for truth has been valued in my belief system, no matter where that may lead, I have struggled in my contentious accounts of battling a faulty reasoning process, deception, and an ethos that only seeks to be self-serving because of an infection of moral certitude that diminishes any opposing viewpoint. This arrogance may seem to have the advantage by manipulation in the using half-truths when stating their case in an adversarial argument, but I am disillusioned since the truth is not an important reason for them, it is indeed of no consequence to them.

But the consequences of such behavior are much more profound to those who are thoughtful.

It has been stated that I am someone who tends to “wallow” in the predicament I happen to be in.  That observation may be true, but the term wallow is just another word for self-pity.  I’m not certain if those terms apply to me, but they indeed may be true.  In my experience, there is clearly a right and wrong behavior for the moral situations we encounter during most of the conflicts in our lives.  We do not always expect these events when they come up, but we also recognize that some people will not conform to a reasonable moral decision that reduces the tension between parties that are not in agreement.  When this happens, there are many scenarios that describe chaotic possible outcomes.  It is precisely these outcomes that have an effect on people and their lives, especially if there is little or no control over these events when they happen.  The example that has led me to a very profoundly disturbing discovery is when it involves our own families; and the dictates of a capricious legal system that can lead to an utterly ineffectual and incompetent conclusion with a massive bias.

When someone like me thinks about these situations, I tend to try to contemplate errors made and reduce them, as this may seem like “wallowing” in them, it is not my intent.  I try to understand them, and experiment with possible actions to take, to cut the disagreements, and yes that sometimes means talking about them and getting feedback from other sources.  Unfortunately I have been in some very challenging situations that have given me absolutely no representation of my rights, absolutely no validation of my experience, or has given me any legal action to counter these misdeeds, largely due to the poorly drawn documentation from the attorneys.  So if that means I have participated in the profound disappointment of a system that was supposed to serve what is best for the child, which continues to ignore a fathers right to see their own children, that continues to ignore the parental alienation that has been ongoing, and that has led to the deterioration of a relationship that was one of the most important in my life, then yes I openly admit my contempt for decisions rendered by a governing body that’s aim is a claim to protect the child.

At one time I was very close, but now, over the course of many traumatic years, the de-sensitivity and manipulation of truth, has taken center stage in the upbringing of the child’s life. When you lose any influence upon your child you question many things in your life that most people take for granted.

I wonder are grieving and self-pity related to the same attribute in the emotion, or that if you denounce those who suffer that have no recourse of action to take, just how easy is it to dispense such knowledge to them?  Does one qualify to be a candidate of self-pity when one speaks about the unjust decisions, or the problematic outcomes a mockery of the legal system about family court, or are you possibly just fighting a battle with opposing resistance? The perpetuation of a system that allows one parent to literally decimate the financial control over the other parent, dominate control on all other levels even when joint legal and custodial grants have been made to both parties, yet inequity is still a very harsh reality to swallow to many who suffer over these events. I think that it might be worse to not fight, and except opposing forces, since capitulation to moral misconduct is the greater evil, than the one who is astounded by the behavior of others and suffers over the profoundly obtuse behaviors done in spite and ignorance to others who cannot change those decisions.

Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person’s belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and so deserving of condolence.  Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations. However, in a social context, it may result in either the offering of sympathy or advice. Self-pity may be considered normal, and in certain circumstances healthy, so long as it is transitory and leads to either acceptance or a determination to change the situation.

In my studies I have read and found that most of these definitions deal with the obvious excessive cases of perceptions that one is “victimized”, and therefore leads to the attraction of possibly more negative emotion.  I do see the logic in this and recognize its presence.  I also see a lot of advise given about this observation in human behavior, but wonder if the “advise givers” have ever experienced some of the unknown drama’s that can affect one’s life on an adverse level over consecutive years, with little or no power to do anything about it?  What may be “learned helplessness” in many cases in the abuse of people is a powerful case to make for those that have had no control to change their circumstances, or their perceived circumstances.

Learned helplessness is the condition of a human or animal that has learned to behave helplessly, failing to respond even though there are opportunities for it to help itself by avoiding unpleasant circumstances or by gaining positive rewards.  Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.   Organisms that have been ineffective and less sensitive in determining the consequences of their behavior are defined as having acquired Learned Helplessness.

Much of what we learn is from our sub-conscious programming from our birth to the age of 6 years old as we experience the world.  The limiting programs as we received as children are largely due to the ways our minds are wired and hence the lower theta brain frequencies are dominant until about the age of 6.  They are responsible for our acquisition of thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors from recording everything we see, hear, feel, and touch due to the wiring of our brain functioning.  Dr. Bruce Lipton doing research in Epigenetic Control : Science of Spirituality has influenced my thinking of late from his experiments that directly correlates to this post.

Forgiveness

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George R. Gissing

“Life, I fancy, would very often be insupportable, but for the luxury of self-compassion.”
George R. Gissing
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John F. Kennedy

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.”― John F. Kennedy

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Lao Tzu
“The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.”
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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Ayn Rand
“The truth is not for all men but only for those who seek it.”
Ayn Rand
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Søren Kierkegaard
“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
Søren Kierkegaard
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Jay McInerney
“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”
Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages