Agency in life

The ambivalence of affection

~ DC ~ 1 Comment

If you act with reason

Generous acts can never be misplaced

Love is never wasted

Love cannot be debased

The failure of recognition

If only one in seventy-seven see

A change in the culture

A change in the apogee

A resource of human potential

Escaping many only actualized by the few

Love will permeate conflict

Those who love know this is true

Love has no expectation

That many fail to comprehend

Their understanding is divided

They fail to apprehend

The world needs practitioners

The broken-hearted on the mend

The ambivalence of affection

Consumes only those who pretend

…

DCG

For Me This is Clear

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

There must be a reason why I’m still here

I’ve escaped death so many times

I must have unfinished business

For me this is clear

Don’t get me wrong

I’m not trying to die

I don’t have a death wish

I’m not ready to say goodbye

Life is precious

If we ever figure this out

Influence the lives of others

And what we can cast about

W. Somerset Maugham’s the razors edge

Larry Darrel discovered a rarity

No longer a captive soul

Now on the course of prosperity

Live like there is no tomorrow

Rage on with enthusiasm within

Do it with love

Do it with a grin

…

DCG

Awareness Imposes a Social Contract

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

With social graces I’ve played the fool

Expecting we are purveyors of the golden rule

Despite my failures in past relations

We hold some people in our hearts

Disregarding our lamentations

The outcome is not contingent

And repeat I would do it again

To give of yourself

I would not have to pretend

After decades of experience

I’ve rendered some conclusions

Without contradiction

Without any delusions

I only speak for myself

And so I say

This works for me

With no dismay

I know I am different

Take ego out of self and you will see

The intrinsic value to share

Sometimes we can overcome reciprocity

Always use reason

Take care guiding the soul

Don’t let surface defects

Detract you from your goal

Awareness imposes a social contract

And with this responsibility

We can heal the scars

We do have opportunity

There is no perfect world

No utopian society

Hard work and sacrifice

Overcome the ignorance and set yourself free

…

DCG

The Archer and the Crab

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

I wasn’t looking

But then you came upon me

I didn’t expect what would happen

Somehow my heart is now full of glee

Maybe I was receptive?

Maybe I was under a spell?

But unlike anyone before

It was only you that I fell

You the Sagittarius

Shot me with Cupid’s arrow

The Archer and the Crab

What-do-ya-know?

I don’t think I’m crazy

What’s a poor boy to do?

I found love

I found it with you

I care deeply

Listen to what the heart will say

Having you in my life

I know now God has listened to me pray

I want only to make you happy

I’ll work hard to show you everyday

The passion we bring to each other

The passion that won’t fade away

…

DCG

The Exoneration of Regret

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

Would have, Should have, Could have……

To invest into a memory that will only take you down a road that cannot be traveled is futile and counter-productive.  It takes us away from the here and now, and it only impedes our well-being when we give nostalgic cadence to this venture.  Memories are not necessarily bad for us, but if we continue to give energy to a particularly unpleasant memory, if we continue to fuel the abstraction of a once possible reality that has never been, then we are only allowing the dream world to take control over our emotional domains.  We can of course use this to divert our energy to change something in our present lives today, and to that I would say that it would be good motivation to take action in the now which is moving forward and out of our regretful past.  But if we gather these memories on a remorseful platform, then we are only harming ourselves as they reignite bitter pains that haunt us again.  Even after years of such happenings, we can continue to drown ourselves in unnecessary emotional toxic energy that can consume our better natures.

The idea of forgiveness is a very powerful charm against past transgressions or foiled endeavors.  Learning to create another path when one door shuts, is vital to wasted time brewing about something that your mind can tend to let fester if no action is taken.  When our footsteps take on a direction, we sometimes meet obstacles that prevent the path chosen, as we can also stray from our original intent by just the same analogy.  But if we ponder our true resolve and find that we should not give up and continue to try, sooner or later we just may find what we were searching for.  On more occasions than not, we will most likely discover our destiny by chance and accident more than any thought out plan we devise ourselves.

Life is full of fortuitous contingencies.   Much of what comprises our lives are the resulting realities we discover and eventually meet; they are not necessarily the determiners of our fate, but rather, they are just the multitude of circumstances we will find ourselves in.  These are what I call the fortuitous contingencies that populate our existence.  In my experience I have been fortunate enough to benefit from mistakes and miscalculations I’ve made and the mistakes and oversight’s of others by proxy.  But when we act upon something we try to envision, we are an agency working to create much of what can be possible as we engage the world before us.

If we stay static, much of our possible world will never be realized.  We will limit our world, and miss out on opportunities.  If we continue to be static, we may never learn the lesson that it is never too late to change.  It is never too late to take some action that will bring you closer to a goal you may have abandoned some time before.  I know we may all have some regrets, but I also know that we can learn from them and the sooner we dust ourselves off from the fall, the sooner we can once again act upon the world and bring about some different result on the next time around.  If we are to give up, if we are to impose a learned helplessness and become a walking corpse, than we are not living as we ought to be.  We are disrupting our creative forces that can lead us to change and deliver us from a superfluous redundancy in our lives.

Action is the key in our exoneration of our regrets.  If we take action, than we can move forward without giving our scornful selves any energy to use.  Actions taken can absolve us from regret.  Do not let our derisive afterthoughts gain any power over our lives.  The actions we evoke with proper guidance can lead us to new chapters in our lives sans the baggage if we disallow any accumulation.   Live in the moment today, and much of the hesitation will fade away after practice.  I do not mean to suggest that if it feels good than do it.  I am not prescribing a hedonistic philosophy, but rather one that appreciates what is present when one attends to the moment we experience.  If we allow our common sense to guide us, than perhaps we may make some sense out of a wondrous world full of opportunity, surprise, and adventure that would have otherwise been invisible to us.  We can often live too much in the past and in the future without really attending to what is going on now.  How ’bout you?

 

alone_with_his_regret_by_nickkoutoulas-d33zlkt

Kurt Vonnegut

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “It might have been.”

― Kurt Vonnegut

Henry David Thoreau

“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.”
― Henry David Thoreau

Charles Dickens

“There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Napoléon Bonaparte

“The only victories which leave no regret are those which are gained over ignorance.”
― Napoléon Bonaparte

Henry David Thoreau

“In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line.”
― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

T.S. Eliot

“No I am not Prince Hamlet nor was meant to be
Am an attendant lord one that will do
To swell a progress start a scene or two
Advise the prince no doubt an easy tool
Deferential glad to be of use
Politic cautious and meticulous
Full of high sentence but a bit obtuse
At times indeed almost ridiculous—
Almost at times the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind Do I dare to eat a peach
I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us and we drown.”
― T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

 

 

The Passionate Heart

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

Fire_in_the_Eye_

When attending San Diego State University prior to my completion of a bachelor’s degree in psychology, my fascination with philosophy compelled me to also seek philosophy as a major, so I pursued a double major around the year of 1987.  Questions I sought out in psychology were now being re-examined with new light that I thought only philosophy could seem to give me the answers to.  Psychology gave me some answers, it gave me alternative points of view from various schools of thought, but it also directed me to a field of study that was responsible for its birth; the influence and realm of philosophy.

My educational quest was not so much intended for a career, but rather, it was one for self discovery and acquisition of knowledge.  I feel like that of Mark Twain who stated…..“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”  I had always assumed that my education would eventually take care of securing my employment.  Having no other voices dispute my intention along with my naiveté during those years, I eventually modified this notion since my life experience has augmented this earlier belief.  The degree does not make the man, the man makes the degree, or the education does not automatically pave the road for lucrative careers, especially ones founded upon sound ethical practices in today’s world.

During those years in school I would often journal my thoughts, feelings, studies, research, and perceptions about the world.  Being a fan of journal writing for some time, I have realized it has allowed me to assiduously concentrate on my subject and therefore crystallize my thoughts for a deeper understanding, one that allows me to challenge, review, and even update my perspective upon further analysis.  At times I would write listening to what is now called ‘new age’ music since it is excellent  background music that allowed me to sink deep into my thoughts and write about them without too much distraction.  Sometimes the music would be Classical, Jazz, or even some recorded sounds of Wales, but I preferred the New Age type of synthesized keyboards such as that which was played on the syndicated radio program like Hearts of Space in the late 1980’s.

I was young, excited about what I was learning, and drove myself to ask questions that many of my peers outside of these fields did not seem to care about.  I was primarily interested in ethics, but this also extended into epistemology, metaphysics, logic and philosophy of mind.  My debt load was manageable as I self-financed my education from a job in retail.  But this had a price that extracted much of my time for a student working his way through the California State University system.  I did not rely upon the government for educational grants or loans, I paid for my expenses working while attending which gave me very little time for myself.  I was a working-class member fighting to become an independent thinker, one that could earn a living using this education, but more importantly to me was my liberation for the trappings and the limitations of an uneducated mind.

A most troubling obstacle that I have had to combat in my life was one of ignorance.  My family was not well-educated, and I grew up in an environment that fed into my feelings of shame.  I  drew the line in the sand many, many years ago that I would try like hell to empower myself as much as possible to cleanse myself from the scourge of ignorance, something I felt my family had been captive of, and something I held great contempt for.  Suffice to say, I was determined to better myself but in my attempt to do so, I made sacrifices that have not been deemed a successful strategy in most people’s eyes.  Many people transfix themselves upon the social norms of the day, the status quo of their livelihoods, and the material possessions they can manifest.

They say that we hate things we can see in ourselves.  Maybe I recognize just how ignorant I am in this life.  Perhaps I pass judgement and I may trespass upon those whom have trespassed upon me?  For me I’ve learned that a life that is most fulfilling is one based on the relationships most important to you.  Letting go of the ego and serving your loved ones is a central theme that I have come to believe strongly in.  In all of my failures and challenges in my relationships, this is the lesson I learned that remains as strong today than as it was at times when I was much younger.  Ironically this is something I struggle with in my current situation, yet nevertheless is all the more true for me.

You can become immersed and lost in your own self-made plans which may distract you from what is truly important if your plan unwisely.  After you discover your err years later as these missed opportunities become a painful bittersweet pill to swallow realizing that you have spent your time in fruitless and vapid attempts of the ego exerting itself, a remorseful dysphoria sets in.

The progression of a life led in confabulation is not unlike following a hazy dream.

 

In psychology, confabulation is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.  Confabulation is distinguished from lying as there is no intent to deceive and the person is unaware the information is false.  Although individuals can present blatantly false information, confabulation can also seem to be coherent, internally consistent, and relatively normal.  Individuals who confabulate present incorrect memories ranging from “subtle alterations to bizarre fabrications”, and are generally very confident about their recollections, despite contradictory evidence.  Most known cases of confabulation are symptomatic of brain damage or dementia’s, such as aneurysm, Alzheimer’s disease, or Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (a common manifestation of thiamine deficiency caused by alcoholism).

 

My dreams have not taken the shape I would have wished for.  I am not apologetic for the path I have taken, rather,  I am proud I followed it on one hand, but on the other I must admit that it has exacted some costly lessons and more precisely I learned something very valuable  in the process.  I tried to stay true to my commitments and sacrificed much for them.  I am proud of that, but in ways of this crazy mixed up world I find myself in, some of those close to me aligned themselves with other views in direct conflict with my values.

You can do everything in your power to do what you think is right, only to find that if others do not see this and understand what you are doing, then there is little mirth to rejoice in, and all that is left is an integrity that shares no mutual benefit.  We often drift through life thinking that we can predict or shape our destiny given the course we are on.  What cannot be predicted is the myriad of outcomes in which others will influence us and intersect our interpersonal equations of life.

 

 

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas – Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

 

Life with resistance can shape our outlooks, but they must also be given a proper treatment of perspective.  We connect to the tides that bind us, the wake of human emotion that entangles our lives is the consciousness of our progress.  Awake we can revive spirit and soar above the clouds, asleep we may pass the hours, days, months, or years away only to perish with an antiquated human spirit much like that of the zeal of an insect.  Aligning the power of intention with thoughtful purpose gives us a formula for living extraordinary lives.  Passion lives in the heart; the passionate heart!

 

 

Come down off your throne and leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason I’ve been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key
Well, I’m near the end and I just ain’t got the time
And I’m wasted and I can’t find my way home
Come down on your own and leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason I’ve been waiting all these years
Somebody holds the key
But I’m near the end and I just ain’t got the time
Oh, and I’m wasted and I can’t find my way home
But I can’t find my way home
But I can’t find my way home
But I can’t find my way home
But I can’t find my way home
Still I can’t find my way home
And I ain’t done nothing wrong
But I can’t find my way home

 

 

 

 

My Purpose: The Quest for Purpose

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

I am by no means an extraordinary person, relatively speaking, I have an average life, with an average means of income.  I have had average problems and deal with them in average ways yet I have always wanted more out of the life I have previously led.  I did not seek employment that would make me wealthy, I did not seek fame or surrounded myself with possessions.  Since I could not sustain that kind of lifestyle even if I could have achieved those kinds of pursuits; I was too preoccupied in just trying to manage what I was allowed to hold on to since much of my material assets were calculated and taken from me by a court order in the aftermath of my divorce.  The want for more in life was not about the pursuits listed above in as much as they were about bringing me some peace of mind.

To rise above the monotonous everyday routines and to question what is truly of value, I must search within myself to find out these answers.  This thought has visited me within different periods through-out my entire life; knowing that I wanted more out of life than what I had seen growing up.  The world is full of wonders and is very beautiful, but it can also be very grotesque.  I do not speak of being a monk, or speak of negating what is pleasurable in life; I only find that for me, some of these pursuits do not provide me with satisfaction, they do not quench my thirst and do not sustain my attention for whatever seems to be holding my soul in captivity.

If you have been witness to a multitude of circumstances, then you have a better perspective than the many with whom only share a smaller limited perspective.  I wanted to align my life in agreement to some of the teachings I had gravitated toward early on as a young adolescent and as a young adult.  I set out to find answers so instead of preparing for a job quest in college, I went on a wisdom quest.  It was by no means an easy path to pursue, and I for the most part only saw latent rewards for this pursuit.  Obviously one must work to sustain themselves, one must navigate the social realms and live amongst others, and do much of what society dictates, because that is the expectation we have grown up with.  For many this may just be fine, and they seem to be content, but unfortunately it is not the case for me.

I do not differ from others in many ways, I do not pretend that I am that much different from them as well, but I do see differences in how people have treated one another for as long as I can remember.  Why this happens to be the case is beyond my imagining.  It seems to be the essential core of my perplexity.

In retrospect I have given immensely of myself to those who probably did not deserve it.  My naiveté did not diminish until I was much older.  When you give of yourself, and are taken advantage of, though it is painful, it is also a great teacher of the human condition.  When you get beyond the paltriness of human interactions, you see into a fragility of the human heart and the social decay of an inferior person.  Why moral turpitude is such a prevalent factor in life is only a testament to the condition of our social inequity and the lack of educated citizens that fail to learn the lessons from its etiquette.  This human plight has been around for millennium.  This is precisely why the Zhou Dynasty in China adopted the Confucian teachings to subdue the existent rifts of social decline in China in the Spring and Autumn period of that dynasty (roughly between 771-479 BCE).
A time when the established system could not meet the demand of development as the ruling classes of China experienced the transition from a slave to feudalistic society the powers that be actively sought out a school of thought to adopt as a cultural unification.  It was a time of “the collapse of etiquette and the deterioration of music”, which implies the ethics and moralities of society were in decline.  The intellectuals of the day were concerned about the future mode of society, hence the most brilliant contention of a hundred schools of thought, such as Legalist, Taoist, and Confucian schools would be considered for the task.

Confucianism is an ethical and philosophical system developed from the teachings of the Chinese philosopher Confucius (孔夫子 Kǒng Fūzǐ, or K’ung-fu-tzu, literally: “Master Kong”, 551–479 BCE).   Confucianism originated as an “ethical-sociopolitical teaching”, but later developed metaphysical and cosmological elements in the Han Dynasty.   Following the official abandonment of Legalism in China after the Qin Dynasty, Confucianism became the official state ideology of the Han.  Nonetheless, since the Han period on, most Chinese emperors used a mix of Legalism and Confucianism as their ruling doctrine, often with the latter embellishing the former.  In other words, Confucian values were used to sugarcoat the harsh Legalist ideas that underlie the Imperial system.  The disintegration of the Han in the second century CE opened the way for the spiritual and otherworldly doctrines of Buddhism and Taoism to dominate intellectual life at that time.

The experience of injustice is not something new in human history as we have seen.  In my experience in providing for others, the toil of my labors, and the financial sacrifices I made to make a better life is something I am proud of, yet the devil is in the details of this story.  After the divorce, my life ensued a series of challenges with child custody, lawyers and legal fees, and sadly parental alienation.  I again dreamed of aligning my intellectual and spiritual self  trying to educate myself in accordance.  I have reached some goals I have set out for in my life, and I have yet to meet some of them.

I built a life around my values, and I am proud of what I have accomplished yet I have only scratched  the surface on what I would like to achieve in my lifetime.  After working so many hours in my life I have come to realize that though work is good, it is not the end goal in one’s life.  Work teaches us many disciplines, but one cannot be happy unless they make the work they do matter, or put another way, if they enjoy the work they do, then they will lead a happier life, and if their work is meaningful to them, then in this way our work can be an appropriate end.

I have fallen in the traps that many others have succumbed to along the paths we take.  The Muse’s of my day have chanted their sirens song, and their melody’s have left me in bewilderment until I awoke from the daze.  I have taken the advise of those oracles which of whom I should not have listened to and thus have learned alternative ways to manage my time, efforts, and affairs.  I have believed in a career choice that turned out to be less than what was promised, and sacrificed much of my health, wealth, and leisure to fund my families needs.  The children are now grown and have only obligations to find a life that I can become excited about.  This makes me envision that now is the time for me to project me closer to my new-found dream.  This is a time for me to follow another road.

I have learned that people are good when the least you expect it, as well as bad when the least you expect it.  Some of the greatest joys come from fatherhood, as well as some of the most painful heartaches.  I have come close to death several times in my life, but I’ve somehow managed to survive which leads me to ask why am I here?  Is it that I have a purpose yet unfulfilled on this earth?  Is there some destiny that I have not yet realized?  Have I not perished because there is some undone work I am to do?

I may never know, yet I continue my journey for discovery.  Is it that I quest for a purpose not yet realized?  Am I trying to fill some empty void within myself?  The hunger for knowledge, and wisdom has always been with me.  Maybe because I come from very modest means, and that I wanted to climb higher to new plateaus of understanding.

Whichever the reasons my so-called soul-searching is a part of me.  It is as much of me as my devotion to those with whom I love.  So I guess I am destined to seek.  I do not know when I may find that moment of peace, or that pearl of wisdom that will set my mind at ease, but I can certainly say I look forward to the journey.  I want to never loose my curiosity, and never to have my mind become anesthetized by boredom or folly.