Depression

Torn

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

 

I am like that of a two-faced Janus – “With one face I laugh, with the other I weep!”

~~Søren Kierkegaard~~

In ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus is the god of beginnings and transitions, and thereby of gates, doors, doorways, passages and endings. He is usually depicted as having two faces, since he looks to the future and to the past. The Romans named the month of January (Ianuarius) in his honor.

 

From the Journals of Søren Kierkegaard he writes that he was profoundly dissatisfied with the emptiness of his existence and with his inability to find some center of focus for his life.  On the one hand, he complains of the futility of seeking pleasures which invariably left in their wake feelings of ennui and malaise; on the other, he expresses impatience with learning in so far as this is regarded as a purely dispassionate pursuit of knowledge and understanding – ‘what good would it do me if truth stood before me, cold and naked, not caring whether I recognized her or not?’

 

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I wonder if Kierkegaard would feel differently if he had borne children?  He died at the age of 42 in 1855 over 159 years ago.  The expression of grief and anguish in a life lived can be seen through-out many of the world’s populations, especially of those that comprise the existentialist philosophical types.  In my readings I have pondered some questions about how others have dealt with their pain and suffering.  How they have made sense out of a very fault-finding society that displaces guilt, purges frailty, and uses weapons of discourse to manipulate the emotion of others.  There are countless examples of ruthless behavior demonstrated by bitter souls that have an axe to grind.  The resulting emotional poison of this fester within the veins of the disgruntled who do not transition out from the emotional swamp that impedes spiritual growth among those who suffer from its grasp.

There is nothing more dear to me than the love for my children and those I truly love.  It is simply the most powerful feeling I have ever known on this earth.  As I reflect upon our relationship through the years, as children, as children of a divorce, and now as young adults living far away from me I’ve had some time to think about just how these feelings present themselves to the world during the span of experiences we perceive.  Especially if there is an estrangement between those you love, not knowing the details of their true feelings, but only knowing the distance experienced and you are left to fill in the blanks yourself because they may not want to hurt you or that their ambivalence is a result of one-sided family conversations you have never been included in or part are of.  If you have undergone a divorce and separation from your children that has not gone in your favor, then you may understand just what emotional heartbreak is involved when the single most valuable people move away from you, not knowing if and when the next time you see them will be allowed because of the schedules you have to deal with and the person you negotiate this is willing to oblige.

I struggled with this for many years as the job I held was not very accommodating to my child care schedule, my legal support did absolutely nothing to help me, and I was at the mercy of an Ex-Wife who in my opinion alienated the children from me even to this day.  I do not wish to hang out my dirty laundry in regards to explaining my position.  I do not wish to solicit any pity or express myself in a passively aggressive story of my telling.  What I do know is that this experience has left me to think about how cruel this life can be.  I do know that true justice in this world can be a fairly tale; a fiction that may never come to be.  That we can hopelessly pray, wish, and pretend things will work out in some way that will have an equitable ending, but many a time this is simply not the case.  It is possible that some reckoning and honest objective ending will present itself after the writing of this post that has not yet come to be, but I will still have to endure the circumstances for what they are and continue to live hoping for the best.  That was some time ago.

Despite the particular theory of emotion you subscribe to, one must still deal with the resulting emotions that come to be.

I think that love itself is just that, the most intense emotion that we as humans can ever experience.  Love has built-in cognitive components that synthesize the emotion to greater levels of experience than pure emotional or rational experience.  There is a blend of “gut”, “heart”, and “mind” that come together to place it among the most influential and enduring emotional products of the human being.  Some would say that anger and hate are equally just as powerful often being compared in intensity, but I do not see this as an equality in human experience.  The complexities of these emotions are much more visceral than most other emotions experienced.  It is possible that hate and anger are felt as strongly, but the underlying psychological reasons for them to come into being are not even close to gaining my vote on whether they are of equal intensity.

The wisdom of the ages all have chimed in on the argument for the power of love.  The hierarchy of human emotion and the corruptible condition that leads humans to do some very distasteful things to one another is a product of our society and an untrained mind.  Conversely how we can bestow immense acts of kindness and love to those who give us a wrongdoing is a testament to the spectrum of our capacity for good.

Many emotions that are experienced may be factors of related more primal emotions such as fear, such as jealousy.  The underlying emotional and rational components to what we perceive are synthesized together creating this emotion and realized through our behaviors when we take action upon them.  The overall view amongst all theories (James-Lange, Cannon-Bard, Schacter-Maranon, Cognitive, or Perceptual theories) is that they do have a symbiotic composite.  The only questions left are really epistemological.  A which comes first debate usually ensues, ( what is a priori, and what is a posterori ) but is not of importance for this post.

 Examples of basic Emotion

Joy

Joy is a magical, often transformational emotion. In an article titles “The Alchemical Emotion of Joy,” Kevin Ryerson called joy, “the ability to feel the essence of your own divinity.” Related emotions include happiness, exhilaration, excitement, pleasure and contentment.

Anger

Anger can be felt on many levels, ranging from highly irritable to frustration. It is defined as a strong feeling of disapproval or dissatisfaction, usually brought on by some real or perceived wrongdoing. Related emotions include resentment, exasperation, rage and fury.

Anxiety

Anxiety can be subjective and difficult to describe. Most often, it means feeling nervous or uneasy, but in many cases there is no specific reason for feeling so. Impending danger, an upcoming exam, speaking in front of an audience, a blind date, and even day-to-day stress can lead to feelings of anxiousness. Related emotions include distress and apprehension.

Surprise

Feelings of surprise can be pleasant or unpleasant. The one constant, however, is the suddenness of the feeling. Related emotions include amazement, bewilderment, astonishment or feeling startled.

Trust

Also referred to as strength or self-assuredness, trust enables humans to rely on confidence, impart confidence or experience hope. Related emotions include certainty, faith and a feeling of security.

Grief

Mental suffering over a great loss or painful experience are the hallmarks of this emotion. Like anger, there are varying degrees of grief, ranging from disappointment to great despair. Related emotions include anguish, heartache, melancholy and woe.

Fear

Fear is an adaptive human emotion that often has unpleasant side effects.  In cases of violent crime or a near-death experience, the victim might experience post-traumatic stress disorder. Fear can also have a protective effect. Think of the father who, for only a moment, can’t locate his child in a busy supermarket. His immediate response (fear), enables him to quickly read his surroundings, listen for his child’s voice and locate the child. Related emotions include apprehension, terror, panic and dread.

Love

Feelings of personal attachment to a child, husband, wife, parent or friend are most commonly associated with love, but love can fall anywhere on the spectrum from passionate affection to mere enthusiasm. Feelings of love might be romantic, or they could mean having a high regard for a friend, church or cause. Related emotions include fondness, adoration and passion.

 

Knowing the distinction between how we feel and how we act upon them becomes the morality we live every day.  The choices we act upon in behavior defines our characters.  The angst (possibly a quasi-primary emotion), we feel when we contemplate such matters of the heart are common place among many of us despite the awareness of our feelings, out thoughts, or that experienced within our “gut”.  They say that integrity means “doing the right thing even when others are not looking!”  I sometimes wonder if the self-imposed morals that we often adopt lead us to be more prone to feelings of anxiety and despair?  If we adopt a flawed morality, do we suffer from the outcomes of our behavior when we live by these rules, or is it that we change our reasoning due to our cognitive dissonance resulting from the outcomes?

Having to taste from the well of a polluted pond, and having to taste the nectar of honey can leave an impression upon those who have been able to distinguish between them.  There are those who cannot make that distinction and thus live accordingly to this perception of the world.  I sometimes think that I can see the world with a Janus face…..laughing at the absurdity of our human affairs whilst weeping at the outcomes of our faulty misdeeds, thus I am torn!

The question eluding many of us is how will we live with our actions and those of others who impart calamity in our lives?  I believe there is a force in the universe that is able to distinguish between the good and bad, the right and wrong, the just and unjust behaviors that embellishes our deeds and somehow in our existence makes amends to control the balance of nature.  The only proof that exists in my mind of this principle is what is observed within my life in defiance of cases which have not yet come to be.  For that I can only have faith that a harmonious balance exacts its own justice out of the affairs of human kind.

 

Navigating with a Broken Compass

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

The story of living with dysthymia may not be as bleak as it may sound. It has opened many doors for me as a child and as an adult. On one hand it has given me a very reflective outlook on life, and on another it has driven me to look for answers I may not have ever discovered if not affected by this condition. I have led a life that I am proud of, yet I think I have so much to learn and want to re-direct myself to expand outside my comfort zones personally and professionally. I would call myself an average person and have tried to do my best with what I have been given; but due to circumstances long ago I had no control over, I live with an extraordinary sense of existential bewilderment.

There are psychological details about ourselves that we are unaware of. We hold undisclosed secrets from others as well as hiding it from our own consciousness. Truths about the ways we behave, and the ways in which we think are often mistaken if little or no attention is paid to them. Traits within us have gone undetected because they are submerged deeply into our personalities and this often escapes discovery by not allowing others a glimpse inside. The circumstance that we are blind to these traits partly explains this failure of recognition from others and ourselves. We often do not know some of the reasons why we behave the ways we do, but we do know how to shield our own thoughts from others by not talking about them. We observe and interpret the world through the lens of privacy.

The psychological attributes that are part of our persona, that embed deep within us and have yet to be uncovered by ourselves or by others in their observations of us simply because we have not discovered them yet. Our family members and our friends have not revealed some of these inauspicious attributes that may have lain dormant inside our minds for many years. A fractured connection with family members at an early age is an unbearable hindrance. As for myself, the consequences of this relationship have left upon me a mark that has endured over half a century. There exists the possibility of a resulting psychogenic amnesia to past traumatic events or maybe a dissociative pattern of depersonalization that has fused itself within my earlier states of consciousness and this in turn has seized much of my life, which may explain why it resurfaces during times of duress. The fact of the parallels in observing an affective disorder going between a dysthymic to a major depressive episodic state has often diffused itself within my mind for much of my life. The endogenous nature of this connection seems likely if not apparent. Do the “bad feelings” experienced tend to be generated from within this maladaptive disorder? Does the condition become precipitated by life events that are manifested? The “cause and effect” are very hard to sort out and distinguish. We must not confuse “cause” with “correlation”, but isn’t that the million-dollar question?

I cannot say how many times as a child I’d wished for a better life, even more profoundly that I’d have never been born. That I did not want the life I was given, and that in my tears late at night, I’d wish my father would die because of the intolerable pain he would bring down upon me and the rest of my family when I was a boy. I would pray to end my suffering, as maybe I would like to die myself, than undergo another day living in that household. I think the sadistic nature of my father was possibly more hurtful to me than many of the other misbehaving things that he confronted us with. After years of growing up in a household being the object receiving random angry outbursts from our father, a narcissistic parent with low self-esteem that treated us in detest, instilling fear, and exhorting humiliation from us; has led me to question much of just what happened during those years growing up. The foundation for a faulty sense of self was framed during that time I imagine, and it has been a hell of a thing to shake all these years later. The sub-conscious thoughts that lead us to conclusions about ourselves are deeply rooted in this context.

If we were deeply injured in some way in the past, I believe that if we do not properly process this injury, or put it into a more conductive perspective, then we may again revisit those pains as they reappear in later events of our lives. To bring about a transformation when the sub-conscious becomes conscious, and the therapy may then begin to unfold the hidden toxins that enslave our opinions about ourselves. Many of these events may not trigger any responses from our friends or family until other episodes bring about something hidden deep within us. A sublimation of thoughts or behaviors experienced later on in life by those who do not put to rest the brutalities of a past time are often a truism I cannot deny.

When we somehow repress these memories, or replace them with newer ones, we may forget the misdeeds of the past. Unfortunately we can regress into a mindset that reminds us of these haunting memories from time to time. I am not sure of why I seem to bind myself to some of my former injuries but they have a presence that I cannot seem to escape from completely. Perhaps I have repressed the specific memories that upset me and I simultaneously held on to the pain that I immersed myself with from those days. However this dynamic works within me, I have subjugated myself to the damages sustained those many years ago. In a recent conversation with my brother I learned something about my struggle in words I have not thought of before after telling him of my thoughts on the matter. He asked why I seem to seek approval and acceptance from those that have treated me in an unkind way, or that those who have “f#*ked me over? I had not thought of it in that way before; using those words has not occurred to me in that I am somehow psychologically bound to those who have done an injustice to me, in that I am somehow seeking some approval despite their inhospitable treatment in dealing with me.

There is a scene in the perks of being a wallflower written by Peter Chbosky where the main character Charlie was admitted into a hospital for psychiatric care after he’d had a breakdown toward the end of the film adaptation of the book. He stated something in the film that struck me on a profound level because I can relate to the meaning of those specific words he uttered to the therapist.

“Maybe you can tell me how to stop it?” “Stop what” the therapist asks? Charlie goes on to try and explain. …“I can’t stop it. Seeing it. Their lives all the time, just how do you stop seeing it? There is so much pain, and ah, I do not know how to not notice it…. It’s not me, its them, its everyone, it never stops; do you understand?”…

I have a very close affinity with those words spoken in this fictional account of a character that strikes me very close to home. I have yet to describe my “sensitivities” any better than what has taken place within this book and movie in reference to the existential predicament he seems to be placed in.

In another scene in the movie, Charlie asks his favorite teacher, someone he trusts, why people enter into relationships that are not mutually beneficial, why some people allow others who are not good for them, and who do not appreciate them, but still tolerate them within the relationship they hold. In his words…”Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” The response from Charlie’s teacher Mr. Anderson was that for many of us; we simply accept the love that we think we deserve. The data to show this inference is overwhelming when we look at the compelling correlational evidence in abusive relationships.

The character of Charlie in the book is described by Chbosky as being composite’s of people he’d known in his life, if not loosely based upon himself altogether based on interviews given. This leads us to possibly conclude that he himself has survived some trauma endured within his own life given the character of Charlie, an emotionally sensitive 15-year-old boy grappling with two very traumatic experiences form his past.
His assertion of not being able to stop seeing it seems to be a central theme in my living experience. I have had some challenges in my adult life as well. When you consecutively experience disruptions on a psychological level throughout different periods of your life, you can find evidence of patterns that may populate the world in which you live. Ever since 911 I have tended to look much deeper into things I once took for granted in the world outside myself. The conclusions are not comforting, and are indicative of a discerning case study that is not able to turn off the negative factors that filter into our lives. I have now taken into account not only my disposition in relation to the world, but that of the world itself as well. It is a weight that brings me to my knees at times.

I have kept a secret for some time now from those all around me. I have navigated the social world brilliantly not allowing anyone inside the darker parts of my mind. I have worked and related to my family, friends, and others avoiding these troubling dispositions, pretending that I am fine, that I am normal, that I live an average life. But the truth is far from that assessment. Periodically I am prone to reflect about the world, and when I have entered into this world that preoccupied much of my thinking, I have a tendency to observe the disparities. Much of what others may take for granted, as they participate in the regular social norms and lead happy lives, I seem to be on the outside looking into a world that only has me looking down the rabbit hole; the farther I look, the more I see. In matrix phraseology;…“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” I do not think I am special, gifted or precocious, rather I am more transfixed on these disturbing themes that seem to occupy my mind and capture my attention probably more then it should which leaves me in unrest.

What is it, repressed memories, or some other troubling disturbing factor that continues to disrupt someone’s thinking? I cannot say, but to this day I struggle in my life to get beyond those days that seem to impact my disposition. I cannot seem to shake the disquietude that weaves it’s way into my present day. An unknown psychological/psychosocial factor that brings me down, and forces me to stay isolated in my own suffering and since it is hard to identify; I live with this unknown attribute of my persona that feeds a negative injurious incident when provoked. I exist only to rid myself of these troubling days, but cannot find the reason or path to forgive these unknown events that seem to scar me and pay their allegiance to my unrested soul. Abraham Lincoln once stated….”I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me.”

I have tried to educate myself, and have sought some counseling but was disappointed with the resulting counseling treatment of my problem and to no successful avail did I retain any suitable answers.
In my education I studied everything I could get my hands on to alleviate my quandary. Ironically I am hyper aware of my problem, yet I do not control the unconscious states that haunt me in my sleep, or the other hidden language of my thoughts that precede my cognitions that probably leads to much of my oppression. The emotional factor that haunts me is sometimes subdued by the rational factors but this psychological battle being waged endures the ages and goes on.

The rational factor can be victorious for sound reasonable positive thoughts, it can result in happiness and contentment following my own internal compass, but the emotional disruptive subtext usually takes me to some very dark places and leaves me in a mental paralysis as this ping pong game continues to play out. I am smart enough to figure out what is happening, but when the damaged emotional side of me kicks in, then I tend to fall into the depressive states that are classic textbook and mismanage my health, mismanage my daily affairs.

I’ve read of some studies that coincide with my own observations. Studying my life, my background, and my beliefs about my experiences, and studying psychology as one of my undergraduate majors; I had some good direction to further my understanding of depression.
Connecting these puzzle pieces together I was able to formulate one of my own theories as to why I seem to suffer: “learned helplessness”! The psychological community does not lean towards this theory in general due to the laboratory results with animals, but I found it very interesting.

Feeling of helplessness and loss of hope have been emphasized as basic depressive reactions by investigators of differing theoretical orientations. Bibring (1953) held the basic mechanism of depression is the ego’s shocking awareness of its helplessness in regard to its aspirations…such that the depressed person…has lost his incentives and gives up, not the goals, but pursuing them, since this proves to be useless in their mind.

Other symptoms include the possibility of being characterized with an “Anhedonic” problem of affect, which has come across my studies into this difficulty. In my case Anhedonia is the inability to experience joy or pleasure, and “blunting” of affect; or the lack of emotional reactivity. It is manifest as a failure to express feelings either verbally or non-verbally, especially when talking about issues that would normally engage the emotions. Also notable is a decrease of volition, or goal-directed activities initiated by the individual that is disrupted and is seen in maintaining a minimal standard of personal hygiene.

After searching the literature to find the most prevalent patterns of this affliction I found that they seem to stem from psychosocial factors in early childhood such as:
Early psychic trauma and increased vulnerability
This often leads to the development of defense mechanisms to cover-up the injuries, but what lies underneath this façade is an unresolved conflict of tension and anxiety, strong feelings of bitterness, resentment, and hate toward those offenders due to the inability or inexperience to fend off the emotional attacks.
Pathogenic parent-child and family interactions
Pseudo-mutuality and role inflexibility, faulty communication, and the undermining of personal authenticity are tantamount in the maladaptive behaviors learned in the establishment of affect disorders. Destructive marital interactions is a particular malignant feature of chronic undermining of the worth of a marital parent by the other makes it clear to the children that the parents did not respect or value each other. Considerable rigidity in the family role structure, which tended to depersonalize the children and block their growth toward maturity and self-direction, can be observed. Parental modeling of behavior to the children ideas, feelings, and demands that are mutually incompatible are examples of faulty communications. Amorphous patterns of thinking are characterized by failures in differentiation; here attention towards feelings objects, or persons is loosely organized, vague, and drifting. Fragmented thinking involves greater differentiation but lowered integration, with erratic and disruptive shifts in communication. Undermining personal authenticity such that no matter how a person feels or how they act, no matter what meaning they give their situation, their feelings are denuded of validity, their acts are stripped of their motives, intentions, and consequences, thus the situation is robbed of its meaning for them, so that they are totally mystified and alienated. In general, if parents create a family milieu inappropriate for training a child in the cognitive abilities essential for categorizing experience, thinking coherently, and communicating meaningfully, then if coupled with feelings of inadequacy and other damages to the child’s emerging self-concept, this may help explain the challenges of later cognitive distortions, communication failures, and difficulties in interpersonal relationships.
Faulty learning and coping
A confused sense of self-identity coupled with basic feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-devaluation tend to be prominent. Emotional insulation protects these individuals from the hurt of disappointment and frustration, but their regression enables them to lower their level of aspiration and accept a position of dependence. Projection helps them maintain feelings of adequacy and worth by displacement of blame.

The possibility of anxiety disorder in that of withdrawal disorders share common characteristics such as oversensitivity, unrealistic fears, shyness and timidity, pervasive feeling of inadequacy, and sleep disturbances. These symptoms often stem from the failure of an indifferent or detached parent to provide adequate guidance for the child’s development. Although the child is not necessarily rejected, neither is he adequately supported in mastering essential competencies and in gaining a positive self-concept.

Hurt, resentment, and guilt are closely related. When something is taken away from us, or something we want is not made available to us, we can feel hurt. Hurt is difficult for people to feel and express. So, some people avoid it by turning to anger. If we get angry with someone or something outside ourselves, it’s called resentment. If we get angry with ourselves, it’s called guilt. Anytime we feel anger – whether it’s expressed as guilt or resentment – there’s hurt underneath it. Since we usually don’t hurt over things that we do not care about, then finding the way to transition out of hurt has to do with the attachment we assign our care to! If this does not work then the usual forgive and forget often imparted to us is a fundamental teaching.

I will not go into the biological treatments often using Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) because I do not give attention to methods that merely medicate for a treatment that is in need of so much more understanding, even though they may restore typical brain functioning with the manipulation of these neurotransmitters. I still see the genesis of problems for myself created more in the behavioral and cognitive learning adaptations that can thus to be corrected in similar manner. The multi-disciplinary approach of therapy using behavioral, cognitive, humanistic, gestalt, existential, and stress-inoculation along with the power of the will is my prescription to clarify this adversity.

Some people who have battled Depression:

King Solomon
John Adams
William Blake
Ludwig von Beethoven
Hans Christian Anderson
Isaac Asimov
Truman Capote
Jim Carrey
Johnny Carson
Dick Cavett
Ray Charles
Winston Churchill
Frederic Chopin
Rodney Dangerfield
Charles Darwin
John Denver
Johnny Depp
Charles Dickens
Emily Dickinson
Bob Dylan
F. Scott Fitzgerald
William Faulkner
Marvin Gaye
Ernest Hemingway
William James
Franz Kafka
John Keats
John Lennon
Abraham Lincoln
Michelangelo
John Stuart Mill
Claude Monet
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Isaac Newton
Friedrich Nietzsche
Brad Pitt
Edgar Allan Poe
James Taylor
Leo Tolstoy
Mark Twain
Vincent van Gogh
Walt Whitman
Oscar Wilde

 

Conflicted

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

Why do we dwell on an emotionally charged idea, or maybe why do we dismiss it altogether?  Have you thought about just how you have formed your ideas and beliefs about the world, and what just prevents us from dismissing the baggage we often collect?  Are we willing to question the foundations of our belief system when there is a conflict about what we’re told, and what we deem true?

The lack of having any external support group when you are feeling low is excruciatingly painful.  The strength to pick oneself up is much harder, when your internal voice has to operate without prejudice, when your internal voice diminishes your own internal criticisms that are weighing heavily upon you so that you may overcome the obstacles that you face.  Having conflicting conscious thoughts will always place you under scrutiny with your own judgments and this is sometimes a burden we do not freely share with others only to quietly suffer within our own creation of doubt.  But why must we anguish over these times of self-doubt?  Perhaps it is because we listen and acquire information from sources that give us a faulty valuation.  We’re taught to listen and respect our elders, the authority figures in our lives since they have benefited from their experience for more years than we have.  But I urge the reader to question authority since the argument is of a qualitative nature, and not one based on a quantitative accumulation of knowledge despite its inherent appeal to some.

If an internal struggle of conflicting feelings and thoughts that are remnants from adversarial external sources which have filtered into part of our thinking, then it may result as a troublesome cognition.  At a time of duress, we may give these critical token thoughts more weight than what is actually merited.  When we have contrary thoughts that disturb our resolve, we may lose focus on what is important and lose our bearings within the fog of ridicule.  If the diagnosis is a conflict that we ultimately control, and that we are the sole proprietors of our appraisals, then why does this seem to accommodate antagonism within our own minds?  Are we not in the best place to undertake a corrective direction in our thinking?  The answer could just be the way our thinking normally occurs.  How we process our information, and how we learn this information influences our decisions on how we also filter what we think we know and have come to believe.

How our thinking has evolved through-out our lives with a blending of experience, observation, rational, and emotional syntheses that have created and forged our thoughts and influenced our belief systems is commonly accepted as fact.  Some beliefs are conscious, and some operate on deeper levels we may not be consciously aware of.  I submit that we are creatures of habit, including our processes of reasoning.  Over time we form patterns of thought based on presuppositions about how we see the world.  Our patterns of thinking are much like a learned response directly correlated to the sympathetic nervous system.  The sympathetic nervous system is one of three major parts of the autonomic nervous system (the others being the enteric and parasympathetic systems).  Its general action is to mobilize the body’s nervous system fight-or-flight response.  It is, however, constantly active at a basic level to maintain homeostasis.  The homeostatic response to the world in our belief system may just operate at levels we do not question or lend ourselves to very often, hence the subconscious thoughts that drive many of our conscious thoughts bring about deeply felt concepts that influence us.  Whether we are to conclude self-doubt in times of conflict or conversely whether we are influenced on an alternate level is due to these presuppositions we rarely question.  They are the subroutines in our daily thoughts, the notions that lead us to make conclusions binding feeling and logic together that can change the way we see the world.  A convoluted fabric of thought, feeling and drives that work together to create a consistent view of what we observe that may at times disrupt our lives when conflicting notions enter into this process.

As children we develop a basis for meeting the world on how the world is presented to us.  Most children have a very natural way of experiencing the world, until they matriculate through the cultural pathways placing various lenses upon their scope to shape a reality largely based upon the teaching of their families.  Much of what is cultivated on pre-cognitive levels comes at a very early age, between birth and maybe six years of age.  The developmental stages of childhood maturation are still in development and not yet “hard-wired” at this age.  Our mental processes are forming from the examples given to us by our families and we build upon these foundations as we grow.  It is precisely some of these foundations that we no longer tap into and question.  They are the subroutines, the pre-cognitive staples that formulate some of our learned beliefs about the world.  They are very elusive since they are found in deeper structures within the brain, given the immense amount of neural pathways formed in childhood and developing until they lose their functionality.  The principles on which we form our ideas is largely influenced by these obscure percipient vestiges of thought.  We are seldom taught the skill to search deeper into our assumptions.  The contributions of Ludwig Wittgenstein in his philosophy of language are an invaluable insight on this topic when analytic philosophy is applied to our logic.

If these premises are sound, then where does that lead us?  Does this explain why hypnotic suggestion can displace deeper modes of thought we seldom have access to?  Why the importance of right thinking in the eightfold path is crucial for Buddhism?  Why the Zen use the Koan to disrupt the minds normative way of thinking?  Or perhaps why so many psychological personality disorders exist due to the formation of traumatized neural pathways during childhood?  Enneagram theory accounts for much of this due to its approach.   Again I ask, does this explain why we torture ourselves, being conflicted by ideas that we have only partial answers to, since much of the presumptions are buried deep within our minds?  I refer you to the work of Dr. Bruce Lipton for further analyses on this matter.  I highly recommend the work he has uncovered.

If the human experience is largely based on our ability to mediate its variables and problems, to arbitrate the ethical conditions that life brings us, then paying attention to what we conclude about our condition is preeminent.  Indeed, misjudgement is the cause for many mistaken paths we lead ourselves.  The purpose of trial and error, testing ourselves to the rigors of our decisions in everyday life is part of being human and also essential for our ability to learn through experience.  Learning that we must be mindful of our prejudices, that we must pay attention and heed to new information that may not be consistent with what we think we know is crucial to expanding our views.

Before you judge others or claim any absolute truth, consider that you can see less than 1% of the acoustic spectrum.  As you read this, you are traveling at 220 kilometers per second across the galaxy.  90% of the cells in your body carry their own microbial DNA and are not “you”.  The atoms in your body are 99.99999999999999% empty space and none of them are the ones you were born with, but they all originated in the belly of a star.  Human beings have 46 chromosomes, 2 less that the common potato.  The existence of the rainbow depends on the conical photoreceptors in your eyes; to animals without cones, the rainbow does not exist.  So you don’t just look at a rainbow, you create it.  This is pretty amazing, especially considering that all the beautiful colors you see represent less than 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum.

 

The earlier statements I’ve made about this paradigm of psychology are based on my studies.  I draw from many sources and fields to illustrate my views.

On Commiseration

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

There are many examples that show the multitude of emotional illustrations in a life lived that can impact us on profound levels.  There are happy times and sad times in most of our lives as well as everything in between that spectrum, but for many others there is an experience with this world that is detestable.  Tragedy and good fortune comprise episodes in many of our lives to different levels and in different degrees.  I cannot even fathom the pain experienced by those that have suffered a far greater fate in their lives than my own limited experience with this world.

I would like to tell a story that has no woes, sorrows or pain.  But to enjoy and appreciate the good things in life, it is important that one must know the meaning of sorrow, pain and woe.  If one truly understands what it is to be sorrowful; feeling pain and feeling what can be a miserable state of being will indeed codify the elements of what it means to be down and conversely amplify our experience of what it means to be up.

Taking into consideration those times that we have all experienced, taking into account the disappointments we have felt, and the confrontations that we find on many occasions can bring us to resist these challenges and fight even harder for the goals we wish to excel in, or they may put these dreams to rest altogether.  Depending on the individual circumstances, our coping skills will ultimately effectuate a role, that will be a determiner of our fate.  The power of our emotional connection to the goals we wish to pursue is a duel edged sword.  On the one hand a cut received may lead us to sharpen our resolve and perform beyond our own expectations to find a desired result in further attempts, or on the other hand the cut received may just be the last injury we face before we emotionally implode and extinguish the desire to move forward.

A network of good friends would be a huge recommendation for ones emotional arsenal in any prevailing troublesome time.  Not the kind of friends that are there when you are up, but those that are there for you when you are down as well.

Many stories are filled with triumphs, and defeats under the human condition that we are all part of.  For each story there resides a meaning felt more by those whose shared affinities connect them both together.  For all of the stories that are told to us, there also will follow commentary and advise on such matters.  That may be true for most of the western world, but in many instances there are forces that prey on the less fortunate in other parts of the world, and we cannot even come close to identify with.

Troubles in the World

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

Troubles in the World

One day I was thinking ‘bout the troubles in the world
And how it would be without all those nasty quarrels
People helping people, and putting aside their different hero’s
But then I look around and see apathetic eyes
not much of a concern to my very own surprise
How can it be that I don’t see a better life
What can I do to end all this mortal strife
Where have we come from and where shall we all go
When will I see a better life
Well some of these questions are hard to answer, what do you know
An important human problem and it really shows
I guess most of these solutions just might be hidden in prose
Held by wise of the globe
and there’s only a few of those
So I looked around, what did I find,
A never-ending task and journey through time
Oh lord I’ve found a way but I’m still not quite at home
I know it’s not exactly where, but only how you go
I’ve only learned a few things, There’s still so much to know
When will I see a better life

Mardi, Novembre 4, 1986
words and music: DCG

The world can be a very troublesome thing.  An elite globalist agenda, progressive generations of dehumanized youths born into a world heading towards servitude, poverty of mind, spirit and body facing worldwide epidemic proportions with the souls of many in the hands of a few.  I wrote the song above 27 years ago and sadly have found the world is operating in a similar construct if not in an accelerated form from the words that was penned so long ago.

The sorrows felt from a lifetime of observations run deep in the soul’s of those who have suffered personal losses, angst, losses of faith, and loneliness by the side of atrocities committed in the ages of man.  It goes beyond comprehension for some who have never truly reflected upon their losses, or have not the courage to look at their situations in an honest way.  Tis it better to avoid a confrontation with the unpleasant life truths we choose to deny or that we do not hold any agents or brokers of governance accountable to these ideas and we just tolerate them?  Is it better to live in denial; is ignorance closer to being blissful?  Can one truly escape the realities that each of us face if we ignore, reject or dismiss the cruelties of these crimes upon humanity?

Is this the direction my mind must make?  I cannot shut off the streams of information that flood me everyday with the rot and stench of a humanity heading for tyranny and ruin.  It is as if I am the beacon for such calamity, and this places me in a perpetual unrest as I see the world around me.  In my studies I have found peace to mitigate these evil acknowledgements and has directed me towards the truly loving natures of being human.  The compassion, benevolence, and generosity of citizens is being systematically eviscerated from a corruption of a materialism that has spread like a cultural pathosis around the world.

A compelling book and documentary (with its share of flaws), started me off again on my rants this weekend.  The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism is a 2007 book by the Canadian author Naomi Klein, and is the basis of a 2009 documentary by the same name directed by Michael Winterbottom.

The book argues that the free market policies of Nobel Laureate Milton Friedman have risen to prominence in some countries because of a deliberate strategy of certain leaders to exploit crises by pushing through controversial, exploitative policies while citizens were too busy emotionally and physically reeling from disasters or upheavals to create an effective resistance. It is implied that some man-made crises, such as the Iraq war, may have been created with the intention of pushing through these unpopular reforms in their wake.

I urge you to do your own research.  Not everything you hear or read will be true, but nothing is better than discovering for yourself after reviewing many sources that you have been misled by the sources you thought you could trust.  I’ve listed some examples of what is out there not owned by the media sources you may normally go to.

Zeitgeist
 Zeitgeist: Addendum (2008)
Zeitgeist: Moving Forward (2011)
Apologies of an Economic Hitman (2010)
Esoteric Agenda (2008)
The One Percent (2006)
The Shock Doctrine (2009)
Endgame (2007)
Globalization: The New Rulers of the World (2001)
Terrorstorm (2006)
9/11: The Road to Tyranny (2002)
9/11: In Plane Site (2004)
9/11: Press For Truth (2006)
The Fluoride Deception (2011)
Fluoridegate: An American Tragedy (2013)
The Obama Deception
The Money Masters
Weapons of Mass Deception (2004)
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The Burdens of Absolution

~ DC ~ Leave a comment

There are many examples in one’s life to draw upon when reflecting on the events which can lead one to re-evaluate the effectiveness of their life.  This is especially true when one considers the relations between family members or other significant relationships that would have an influence on their assessment.  I have often been told that I “Think too much”, or that I “Care too much”, either because I question the events that happen in my life and I want to be aligned with the truth, or that I have been scarred from nefarious ethical encounters that have left an impression on me thus I make an extra effort not to be presumptuous. I believe the criticism for spending too much time on trying to solve the moral issue has been raised and I attribute much of this to my conscientious nature.  If I over-analyzed the situation, then I believe it is due to the fact that I failed to benefit from what was modeled to me when I was younger or the behavior modeled did not meet conditions I felt comfortable with.  I questioned everything internally as I was ambivalent to my examples that were modeled to me in my youth.

At times it is a misfortune to follow your conscience which can indeed make things seem much more grievous than they actually are if you do not go ahead with an accurate perspective upon reflection.  When I look around and see others who seem not to have the same difficulties I seem to endure, I often look deeper within myself, and I also look around me to find the answers that gnaw at the very essence of my soul.
Why do I suffer, whereas others do not?

Those that do not share any sort of sound moral code I’m aware of, or those with an ethical guideline that does not exclude them from benefiting from their social transactions seems to be a rare breed and is clearly identifiable but is not really the focus of this post.  The evidence of a world swept-up in an ego-centrism observed in human history through-out the millennium is not a difficult argument to make.

Nowadays one only needs to look towards the newly drafted legislation’s, the countless governing bodies to find ample cases of corruption and vice.  Egregious examples of human behavior is found on all levels of society, and seems a prominent force in the world.  Faulty reasoning, self-deception, denial, self-centered ego-based grasp of reality all lead to conclusions that distort the perspectives of people and lead to ethical problems that are found in everyday life.  The reason for establishing laws are to govern those that cannot govern themselves when situations occur.  Unfortunately this form of rule also has its challenges due to the fallibility of human beings. The foundation for a social collapse imminent in many countries around the world as can be evidenced by the Coup D’état ruling factions that have taken control.

On the personal level, the same principles still apply even though one may want to fight for liberty if the state is the oppressor, and one may liberate themselves with a different method in contrast to the matters of the heart. No matter how much you can be hurt by the actions of others, no matter how personal you internalize the pain, and suffering from the result of others behavior,  the final analysis depends greatly on our ability to accept responsibility for our behavior, and ultimately our forgiveness of them and ourselves.

The exoneration of the self is a very hard thing to do when we face resistance.  There can be much pain and suffering experienced unless we move out from that attachment which bonds us to our thinking, and our feelings when confronting the moral questions about our relationships despite whatever erroneous arguments we meet.  This is especially true when the judgements of other family members are involved.  The acceptance of truth is fundamental key to resolving any angst we attach to our dealings with others but in does not always diminish the emotional pain experienced. When it seems that the world is not favorable to the view we hold about the events that have taken place, we are disheartened and with diminished strength we become susceptible to losing our perspectives due to the opposing antagonism we face.  We become disenchanted and will often doubt our original findings if we subscribe to the conflicting view. If even the conflicting view has no basis in reality, but they are continually insistent, they can often beat you down through their ignorance and manipulations that wear out your tolerances.

However one feels, granted the truth is very important, but it will never always be mutually shared by all members in a misunderstanding.  That is why the principle of forgiveness is important to use as a vehicle to move forward in a situation despite the mutual reckoning of a situation.  I cannot state how many times I have struggled with this obstacle in my dealings with opposing views due to the self-imposed interests of the self-centered. Since the search for truth has been valued in my belief system, no matter where that may lead, I have struggled in my contentious accounts of battling a faulty reasoning process, deception, and an ethos that only seeks to be self-serving because of an infection of moral certitude that diminishes any opposing viewpoint. This arrogance may seem to have the advantage by manipulation in the using half-truths when stating their case in an adversarial argument, but I am disillusioned since the truth is not an important reason for them, it is indeed of no consequence to them.

But the consequences of such behavior are much more profound to those who are thoughtful.

It has been stated that I am someone who tends to “wallow” in the predicament I happen to be in.  That observation may be true, but the term wallow is just another word for self-pity.  I’m not certain if those terms apply to me, but they indeed may be true.  In my experience, there is clearly a right and wrong behavior for the moral situations we encounter during most of the conflicts in our lives.  We do not always expect these events when they come up, but we also recognize that some people will not conform to a reasonable moral decision that reduces the tension between parties that are not in agreement.  When this happens, there are many scenarios that describe chaotic possible outcomes.  It is precisely these outcomes that have an effect on people and their lives, especially if there is little or no control over these events when they happen.  The example that has led me to a very profoundly disturbing discovery is when it involves our own families; and the dictates of a capricious legal system that can lead to an utterly ineffectual and incompetent conclusion with a massive bias.

When someone like me thinks about these situations, I tend to try to contemplate errors made and reduce them, as this may seem like “wallowing” in them, it is not my intent.  I try to understand them, and experiment with possible actions to take, to cut the disagreements, and yes that sometimes means talking about them and getting feedback from other sources.  Unfortunately I have been in some very challenging situations that have given me absolutely no representation of my rights, absolutely no validation of my experience, or has given me any legal action to counter these misdeeds, largely due to the poorly drawn documentation from the attorneys.  So if that means I have participated in the profound disappointment of a system that was supposed to serve what is best for the child, which continues to ignore a fathers right to see their own children, that continues to ignore the parental alienation that has been ongoing, and that has led to the deterioration of a relationship that was one of the most important in my life, then yes I openly admit my contempt for decisions rendered by a governing body that’s aim is a claim to protect the child.

At one time I was very close, but now, over the course of many traumatic years, the de-sensitivity and manipulation of truth, has taken center stage in the upbringing of the child’s life. When you lose any influence upon your child you question many things in your life that most people take for granted.

I wonder are grieving and self-pity related to the same attribute in the emotion, or that if you denounce those who suffer that have no recourse of action to take, just how easy is it to dispense such knowledge to them?  Does one qualify to be a candidate of self-pity when one speaks about the unjust decisions, or the problematic outcomes a mockery of the legal system about family court, or are you possibly just fighting a battle with opposing resistance? The perpetuation of a system that allows one parent to literally decimate the financial control over the other parent, dominate control on all other levels even when joint legal and custodial grants have been made to both parties, yet inequity is still a very harsh reality to swallow to many who suffer over these events. I think that it might be worse to not fight, and except opposing forces, since capitulation to moral misconduct is the greater evil, than the one who is astounded by the behavior of others and suffers over the profoundly obtuse behaviors done in spite and ignorance to others who cannot change those decisions.

Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person’s belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and so deserving of condolence.  Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations. However, in a social context, it may result in either the offering of sympathy or advice. Self-pity may be considered normal, and in certain circumstances healthy, so long as it is transitory and leads to either acceptance or a determination to change the situation.

In my studies I have read and found that most of these definitions deal with the obvious excessive cases of perceptions that one is “victimized”, and therefore leads to the attraction of possibly more negative emotion.  I do see the logic in this and recognize its presence.  I also see a lot of advise given about this observation in human behavior, but wonder if the “advise givers” have ever experienced some of the unknown drama’s that can affect one’s life on an adverse level over consecutive years, with little or no power to do anything about it?  What may be “learned helplessness” in many cases in the abuse of people is a powerful case to make for those that have had no control to change their circumstances, or their perceived circumstances.

Learned helplessness is the condition of a human or animal that has learned to behave helplessly, failing to respond even though there are opportunities for it to help itself by avoiding unpleasant circumstances or by gaining positive rewards.  Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.   Organisms that have been ineffective and less sensitive in determining the consequences of their behavior are defined as having acquired Learned Helplessness.

Much of what we learn is from our sub-conscious programming from our birth to the age of 6 years old as we experience the world.  The limiting programs as we received as children are largely due to the ways our minds are wired and hence the lower theta brain frequencies are dominant until about the age of 6.  They are responsible for our acquisition of thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors from recording everything we see, hear, feel, and touch due to the wiring of our brain functioning.  Dr. Bruce Lipton doing research in Epigenetic Control : Science of Spirituality has influenced my thinking of late from his experiments that directly correlates to this post.

Forgiveness

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George R. Gissing

“Life, I fancy, would very often be insupportable, but for the luxury of self-compassion.”
― George R. Gissing
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John F. Kennedy

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.”― John F. Kennedy

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Lao Tzu
“The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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Ayn Rand
“The truth is not for all men but only for those who seek it.”
― Ayn Rand
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Søren Kierkegaard
“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
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Jay McInerney
“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”
― Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

Numb

~ DC ~ 1 Comment

I sometimes wonder how I have managed to make it through this journey of my life to this point in time.  I thought back to times in my life when they were very difficult, when my support group was not really in place, or I neglected to see who would be there for me, and quite sincerely how defeat after defeating moment, I would become numb to the world around me.  All of us have difficulties to share, and all of us have experienced some form of grief that once burdened us to the point of despair.

Today I would say that I am a realist, formerly I would claim to be an optimist.  When inspecting the memories of my lifetime I think I have led a life I can be proud of.  The early optimism probably came out of the naiveté and lack of experience in my youth.  The appetite to believe in others and their goodness was a strong influence on me early in my life.  I should probably credit my mother for this, I should also remit to say that the consequences of this outlook have both positive and negative outcomes for the person engaging with such a demeanor.  I am neither apologetic nor regretful of such proclivities for they shaped me and made me who I am today.

The focus on the darker periods of my life have led me to see things with a different view.  I do not fool myself in believing that I have had a difficult life in comparison to others.  Frankly, I am privileged in being born in a Country such as the USA when looking at other less formidable Countries, along with the fact that I was not born to a family in poverty, or with single parents, or parents addicted to drugs, etc. etc..

The amplification of dark thoughts on such treacherous grounds can be disturbing due to the lack of resources one feels they have available to them, and the possible outcomes from this temperament leading to the finality of a human life resounds in the statistics of today.  The mind can be a powerfully persuasive instrument for it to turn on itself.  The belief that you are wasting space in the universe, or that you have no worth to anyone is a stifling thought.

The moment you start believing in the negativity of other sorrowful misguided souls around you can be a windfall for the depressed mindset.  This mindset is content on gathering like negative influences which are attracted to the ailing mind.  Additionally, the distraught mind will also posit into the world what it most recognizes; that being a dreadful world.

There are an innumerable reasons, conditions, and environments for human beings to become struck with anguish and grief.  The human condition through out the millennia has given us a deluge of examples in all of the endeavors humans have undertaken.  My own journey has led me on some lonely roads, no, bogs if you will, and navigating them can be a very difficult feat.

When it comes to the point of questioning your existence under such circumstances, you often do not think clearly due to the depleted condition you are in.  Changing your circumstances seems very hard to do during these times.  The suffering you are encountering is overwhelming, your energy levels are next to nothing, and you torture your mind that continues to dwell on the negative attributes of your life.

When I was training to be a crisis intervention counselor in college I was confronted with some very powerful skill sets.  This awakening has not left me to this day as I learned to tune into my emotional states on levels I had never before achieved.  It was the first time I had taken a deeper look within my own emotional inventories.  During that year I discovered that I had shut out much of my emotional connections to others in my adolescence and childhood.  Dealing with others on a cerebral level is much different than dealing with them on an emotional level.  I believe that ideally blending these two attributes with your drives or desires, will result in a more balanced account in life.

The training I received was Rogerian, based on Carl Rodgers “Client centered therapy”, which focused on relating to others from an emotional level as to gain their trust and direct them out of crisis, into seeking some solutions for help for them.  Sadly, when we reach a state of no emotion as in a crisis; little can be done to convince those under such extremes.  There is a lethality scale used from 1-10 in crisis intervention.  These levels indicate how much of a threat the person is from harming themselves.  The most dangerous kind are those that are calm, and devoid of emotion.  The call they might make is a final attempt at help, yet their minds are for the most part made up into ending their lives.  This is a “numbness” that is most certainly the worst kind, and one of the hardest to circumvent.  The higher the lethality scale is, the more detailed the person’s suicide plan is.  They know usually how they will kill themselves, where they will do it, and sometimes even when.

I would have to say I have reached that point a few times in my life.  The numbness one experiences some argue is a defense mechanism that shuts down tumultuous emotional aspects the psyche undergoes.  In doing so, this process protects the damaging effects of extreme emotional pain from hurting the rest of the body, and ironically the mind itself.  The length of time one finds themselves in this mindset can and most likely produce changes in the transmission of neurotransmitters (Dopamine a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in the functioning of the limbic system, which is involved in emotional function and control.  It also plays a part in movement, alertness, and sensations of pleasure.  Serotonin plays a regulatory role in mood, sleep, and other areas.) between the synapses within the brain.

The Dysthymic foundations that have directed my experiences make it much more difficult for others to spot in the everyday world in which we live.  Those of like disorders, are viewed normal since these people have embedded the depressive traits within their own personalities, and therefore many cannot distinguish any differences in their moods, or attitudes.  They learn to hide it well, and are less likely to draw attention or diagnose by the everyday person.  Furthermore, more tragically, they often go undiagnosed and do nothing to improve their situations.

Not being able to regulate feeling is also a very troublesome condition since it effects so many others that come in contact with the afflicted people in extreme cases.  I suggest that those affected probably hurt themselves most of all, but I do not rule out the family members if indeed they have maintained such relationships during this period of time they are enduring the dreadful condition.  Experiencing the world with such a vision is like sleep walking.  In a sense you are present physically, but you are not all there, psychologically you are not present at all.  Zen Buddhists would agree and say “Wake up”!  You are not fully functioning and are in essence a walking zombie going through the motions.

Numbness is a very lonely place to be.  To be void of any emotion results in becoming sub-human.  Not being able to enjoy the fullness of what life has to offer for whatever reason is a tragic matter.  Whether one chooses to neglect their power of observation, or whether one is caught in the traps of despondency, the world is much, much more than the observances of the downhearted.

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