These are the journaled thoughts that include some very early works of DCGunnersen. Some of the earliest existing known documents that have remained unfettered have been included. Unfortunately many of my poems, songs, and verse in the course of several decades were misplaced or lost. I will work on trying to recover them to include at a later time with an addendum. This work will be published in Itunes bookstore with audio and video attachments of select songs.

© 2012 Toxic Music/Media L.L.C.
Toxic Music Studios LTD
All Rights Reserved ®
347 South Marshall El Cajon California 92020
All songs mixed and recorded at Toxic Music Studios
all word and music by DCGunnersen

Auguste Rodin

My journey started at an age in our country’s history that was rife with distention and turmoil, ubiquitous with change and discovery. It was also a time when increasingly people began rethinking what it was to be human.
As a nation we were facing a time when our civil liberties were being challenged and championed, tempered and tested, along with formed and fashioned. Apart from commonalities that bind and unite so many of us together, there are those whose personal journeys, demonstrates a painful reminder that insurmountable obstacles are endured and detract from their prospective life tour. Indeed injustice is a fact of life. There are many passages that are quite less painful and the traveler has manifested learned skills to circumvent some of these common obstacles.
In my case, I come from an average working class background in a family of four, with a blue collar work ethic and parents who did not receive a college education. I was born in a time when John F. Kennedy was shot, when The Beatles arrived in the USA, when Alcatraz closed down as a federal penitentiary, and when Martin Luther King Jr. gave his greatest speech “I have a Dream” in front of 200,000 people at the Lincoln Memorial.
I also was born into a family that did not quite understand the meaning of “intimacy.” The struggle to impart any kind of a healthy world view and skill of becoming a successful person in relationships, were not the best of what my parents could offer. My family had a difficult time just relating to one another my entire life, as with many families who face some of these intimacy issues. As I matured, I withdrew into my own perceptions and observations about the world as it unfolded. I was both the master and / or the slave upon which my beliefs conducted me into this brave new world. I sense that that my family’s interactive behavior had ultimately led me on a lifelong quest to find some answers to the questions that has perplexed so many of us from time to time. Due to the insatiable need that grew within me, questions began to emerge from a skepticism that was derived from the foundation of my family’s interactions and was conveyed through my own family experience. I have always loved my family and wanted closer connections, but my skills to achieve this were not yet formed.
Not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life after graduating from high school, I moved in with my band mates 2 weeks before I graduated when I was 17. We lived in a 3 bedroom house near San Diego State University. This post- high school rock band kept us busy as we played for parties, and college events. I attended Grossmont college a local community college, and pursued my education on a piece-meal part-time basis. I supported myself, and could not afford to go full-time, let alone the fact that I did not quite know what I wanted to do with my life. Playing music in a rock band was a passion, living on my own and supporting myself was a great experience but going to school as well made it a reality that I had to struggle with.
Eventually, after much effort to excel in academics, something most dear to my heart, I became better and better as a student. I eventually transferred to San Diego State University, retained a better job, worked diligently and double majored in Psychology and Philosophy.
In some circles, I was known as a type 5 (observer or investigator), from the enneagram paradigm. It has been thought that the childhood experience does not cause the personality type, but rather somehow bestows a model of development affecting the child as he/she grows and matures. As Riso and Hudson put it from their work “ The Wisdom of the Enneagram” (1999):
In a five’s case, they often report as children, that they did not feel safe in their families; they felt in danger of being overwhelmed by their parents, and so they started looking for a way that they could feel secure and confident. First they retreated from the family into their own private space – mentally, physically, and emotionally. Second they turned their attention away from their personal and emotional needs onto something “objective.”
Little did I know at the time, even as a boy, my thoughts were about seeking a better life for myself, a life that would direct me into a lifestyle demonstrating warmth and security. At an early age I did not know why I had turned out the way I did, but I was compelled to search for alternate views of the world I was told existed. My father once advised me of his world view: “You work, and then you Die!”
A fairly harsh philosophy, but somewhat understandable coming from a blue collar, 2nd generation Danish immigrant whose world view comprised some major intimacy issues stemming from his own upbringing. I’d like to thank Henry David Thoreau to place an antidote of this statement in my memory; the antithesis is …”When it is time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived.”
I perceived that in my early adulthood, and possibly even my childhood, I was able to sense things on levels deeper than most other people. I felt connected empathetically to people that I had an interest in, and on occasion some of the acquaintances I had met.
Much of my adult life has been in the pursuit of living the day to day necessities. I had children, played/composed and performed live music/lyrics in other rock bands. I’ve worked hard in my professional life, hung out and socialized with my friends, and frequently contemplated the quality of my life on day’s end. My quest for a better understanding of the world has never faded, though it has shifted perspectives from now and then, as do many priorities.
My first true journal was written sometime when I was in middle school, but I’m not certain if that is when I began documenting the events in my life. I think I had primarily wrote my feelings since I could not demonstrate them in front of my family. I had to hide any true feeling, thoughts or emotions on the fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or called an atrocious explicative by my father especially if I happened to disrupt his television show. I eventually threw the early journal away for fear of being found and read by others in the family. My privacy was scarce and did not want to risk being discovered, especially my feelings and thoughts.
I became somewhat of a reader at an early age, starting out with comic books in elementary school, and then graduated to non-fiction as I matured. Books on History, and almanacs seem to come to mind and were of interest to me at that time. I naturally was attracted to my interests in music, photography, esoteric mystics, the paranormal, and the legends and lore of Bigfoot and “Nessie”, and of course as much information I could gather about the opposite sex.
I learned to play guitar when I was very young. The father of some of my childhood friends in the neighborhood used to gather their friends (who were much older) in their garage in the mid to late 1960’s. Mr. Reeves’ loved country and gospel music, so we used to play country songs during that time. Phil and Larry’s family were also in the Navy, and originally from Mississippi. The first song I remember learning was Hank Williams’ “I Saw the Light” so long ago in their garage. I believe I was able to use the guitar to more easily express my feelings through music medium when growing up during elementary school.
Movies were of much importance to me growing up. I seem to have identified with many characters in some of my favorites throughout the years. I specifically remember creating a disturbance with some of the parents of the kids in my high school. I signed my senior yearbook with annotations of “suicide is painless”, the lyrics from a song in the movie M*A*S*H* by Johnny Mandel. I think I was trying to reach out to the kids in some eccentric way by penning these lyrics into their yearbooks.

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see, that

(Bm) / G Em / D Bm / Em A / D Bm /

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

/ G A / D – / GEm A Bm – /

Try to find a way to make
All our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate
But now I know that it’s too late

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I’m beat
And to another give my seat
For that’s the only painless feat

‘Cause Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

For Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied, oh, why ask me

‘Cause Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

And you can do the same thing
If you please

I thought they were very meaningful, yet in retrospect, I must have seemed like a nonconformist goof to some. Then again, at least my mark was a little more progressive than the typical “Dude, get drunk, get stoned, and get laid!”
Probably the most profound character identification I have aligned myself with is in that of Larry Darrell, a character in M. Sumerset Maugham’s 1944 book “The Razor’s Edge”. This book had a huge influence on my life.
Yes, as Henry David Thoreau puts it in Walden (1854), “,,,most men are slaves to their work and enslaved to those for whom they work.. He concludes: “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation….”.
Funny yet another character intercedes this vision, and comes to my mind; the 1946 Frank Capra film “It’s a Wonderful Life”. George continually dreams and seeks adventure away from his home town, only to have found that he is dubbed the “wealthiest” man despite his modest means and never realizing his dream of adventures around the world.
Academically my dominant influence was psychology during the early 1980‘s, but I had a huge shift in interest when I first was exposed to philosophy when attending Grossmont College. There were several instructors that had a great influence on me at that quaint community college during that time, but one that truly stands out was instructor of philosophy Paul Wheatcroft.
The “awakening” that occurred within me was largely due to his charisma and unconventional teaching methods in company with the selections of works we studied. I remember many times leaving his classes feeling a transmogrification and euphoria by what we had just discussed in class. I was now perceiving the world I had once known in an entirely different way, and by retaining these new tools of scrutiny my cognitive toolbox became much more powerful. It was my own personal Platonic “allegory of the cave” encounter.
The evolution and maturation of my social skills accelerated about the time I started my education at San Diego State University. I remember another major turning point in self development was when I volunteered as a Crisis Intervention Counselor offsite at SDSU. I made some very painful but insightful observations about myself learning the skills needed in Crisis Invention.
The “heady” person I tend to be was challenged by the “emotive” person I needed to be in a “Rogerian” client centered environment.
The 1990’s were also integral in my development as a musician. Though I had learned some in the early 1980’s when I played with my first band, I devoted the rest of the decade to my academic studies. I wrote a small portion of my songs during the 80’s and went on to develop what I had learned from this experience in the 90’s.. A time when I was very active with work, absorbed with trying to spend time with my children as much as possible, and devoting the left over time with my band.
I spent a portion of time in the new millennium putting my thoughts into journals. I have also devoted some time reading and researching interests that attract me. My latest venture includes experimenting with blogging.

c. 1981
Living alone
working hard
thinking its a drag to leave the good life behind me
lies within my grasp
my pride holds me back
maybe I should have thought about my current situation
but my minds made up
the single life is now my own biding
I’m on my own
I’ve made a new start
things aren’t bad only getting better, better than before
money comes money goes
objects become less and value become more

c. 1981
Harmony we live in
when each one of us sees
how each other feels
and a time when all appease
Like the feather from a dove
a symbol we all know
like a feeling between lovers
a quality all should show

Decembre 18, 1983
Oh but when those sad, sad feelings
seem to take you for a ride
finding your own way through makes it easier to survive

Mai 21, 198?
The face that stares
Empty sockets pale with color
Shinny surface only reflects what do you see
look again
not without but within
see the inner light
according to directional spin
right motivation
to ultimate orientation develop upon inclination

Fevrier 5, 1986
Why don’t you picture a woman
so vividly clear a lovely vision
oh but so delightfully near
and what of my impulse to show you
what I see… a traveling sensation of feelings bouncing off inside of me
so let’s share our thoughts and lets share our minds
you see I’m into telling you thats fine
a giving nature just can’t succeed without wise intentions of honesty
find the meaning, trust the night
high response to warmth
enjoy its beloved sight
so it’s fulfillment you seek
of a pleasurable kind
not taste nor touch nor feeling from wine
isn’t that again another delusion divine
yes a desire is present
not being distorted
but clear creative passion in my heart
guides intelligence spontaneity hence sincere

Fevrier 12, 1986
Ripper’s Blues
classic blues
Well……Cardboard, Go-backs, Porter’s room, Floors its plain….I’ve got a description to name this workman’s game
You’re called a ripper
and if I had it my way…my work I’d shun it all today…cause I’m a ripper
Let me tell ya now
and when ya work as I do
It’s like being the dog – yeah – that’s you
when you’re a ripper
feels like it’s gonna be… another hard days work for me…cause I’m a ripper
It’s when you’re puttin’ on extra miles, screamin’ on down those aisles
you become a ripper
Down half the time on your hands and knees
scooping up cardboard is just agony
Yeah – that’s life for the ripper
well the boss-man say don’t complain
you’re employed boy don’t be shamed
if you’re a ripper
now won’t you take these words of advice…
don’t work these hours and sacrifice
to be a ripper
so what else can I say to you
this kind of job ain’t for me or you
don’t wanna be a ripper

Fevrier 13, 1986
I Wanna Work As a Grocery Clerk
I’m workin’ part time at the market and that’s fine
The work that I do might not be suited for you
but if you’re asking me I’ll tell ya what I wanna be
I wanna work as a grocery clerk
I wanna check the food that you get
I wanna work as a grocery clerk
It’s not the same when your a GM what a shame
because I can’t really be where the girls can talk to me
so its only a short time before I drop the boss a line
I’d say
I wanna work as a grocery clerk
I like to be the one who makes you money
I wanna work as a grocery clerk
I’d like to be real and make the boss a great deal
but I really can’t complain, cause he likes me all the same
so I’ll have to chill out, before my mouth begins to shout
I’d say
I wanna work as a grocery clerk
I wanna be by all those beautiful ladies
I wanna work as a grocery clerk
The fellas at the store know that I am no bore
and the way that you can see is from my shining personality
you see
I don’t have to kneel
if I want to strike a fresh deal
so you know I’ll work hard to get a checker spot and a card which says
Im a clerk I’m a grocery clerk
I’m checkin fast and I’m never goin’ last
I’m a clerk I’m a grocery clerk

Mercredi, Mars 19, 1986
young man going for the goals he makes
sometimes gets scared, fed-up or tired of bad breaks
well like anything else he can’t avoid a mistake
Let it be said that the old one knows not yet
for he too can learn
epistemology still a concern
what of those children
takin’ life as it comes
they have much to give
we have much to learn from

Samedi, Mars 22, 1986
Its when I feel like crying
and the pain seems so intense
that in the moment of unpleasant sorrow
I get a vivid glimpse
As I begin to focus upon
the different troubling themes, I notice subtle changes in my thoughts
my heart un-expectantly unforeseen
I honestly praise the being who created me
thank you for all thou has gives to thee
Inspiration has saturated this thing I call my soul
constructive and prosperous ways now take their stand their toll
Its only now that I understand
they’ve always been in hand
Left to mull over my newborn dreams
I find a stint of untouched responsibility
and that of which I found to be a kindly bit too lean
Nay be I cast into fret nor fear
I find ever valued strength too pursue this challenging path I steer
I step into consciousness
devouring pride with graceful speed
absorbing memories
I look to the present
embellished in time
It’s a pleasure to have wisdom
in which the pleasure is mine

Dimanche, Mars 23, 1986
Feels kinda funny thinkin’ ‘bout you
Never a dull moment slips by
delightfully charmed by your presence
stripped by the framework inside myself
can’t seem to control their perceptions
never will I forget these qualities you offer
As I dwell upon their joyful existence
and what may I ask will you accept on my behalf?
Have no wealth
have no land
but the riches I offer can’t be lost or stolen
and the only frontiers I have are to be cherished together an authentic relationship

Dimanche, Mars 23, 1986
Dangerous Symptoms
I remember when the young mind plays
Those who denied themselves the reality of it’s harm
Lay susceptible to the appellation: Fool
So alarmed can one be
by the descriptive adolescent’s charm
induced pressure and anxiety
Huh – what is really different about the society – Post adolescent adult farm
The parallels of life
often noticed and pointed out
can be seen in several different forms
and of those we should talk about
but we can’t escape the personality
before we confront and inform our rights
beyond this one must choose above inclination and decide the questionable plight

Dimanche, Mars 30, 1986
The Peace Makers
Oh let it be known
To all that have shown the qualities that speak for peace
for they that risk themselves
Providing love propensity of prosperity
know energy of the kind
to befriend integrity

Lundi, Juin 23, 1986
Company draws near to you
and your intentions are good
subtle hints of attraction
are communicated and give way
you start – she stops – you knew she would
young man pursues what he wants
what he thinks
if its…
or its…
or if it….can he decide for the sake of ….
There’s the one you want, over there – across the room beyond the sliding glass door
on the balcony hurry she’ll be gone soon
that one, yeah she’s nice
she’s the one for you
dressed to kill, sapphire eyes
glistening in the moon
The party’s not that pleasant
too many people and all that smoke in the air
he crosses the room for a fresh breath closes the glass door and takes a chair

Vendredi, Septembre 19, 1986
I remember that feeling
it’s been captured again
thought I never see that day
when I’d (pause) miss you my friend
It’s those pictures in the album where I escape to
now and then
Have you felt a strong attraction
to that someone you don’t know
the kind of genuine feeling that you certainly couldn’t show
think of all those reasons people who’d be shocked
isn’t it so….isn’t it so

Vendredi, Septembre 19, 1986
Listen to me
Haven’t you heard that your words aren’t meaningful to me
It’s not that speech, not that talk, not that vocabulary
Can’t you see (can’t you see)
Won’t you listen to me
I’m not fooled too easily
Can’t you see (can’t you see)
Please listen to me
I’d like to show you how

Mardi, Septembre 23, 1986
Consider Me
(guitar intro)
It’s my time now to
spend away from you
no sadness not bitter
just changing my views
our memories still with us
and I sense pain
sep-er-a-tion isn’t loss
please un-der-stand I think we’ve gained
well I’ve examined all those words we’ve said
can’t you see you’re on my mind
givin’ way to all the things I’ve learned
needn’t worry I’ll be fine
When there’s times that I don’t know that to do
I hang my head so low and realize it’s true
that’s why I put these convictions in front of you
I want to heal not to harm or be cruel

Don’t we see all this the same
Tell me
Am I searching for these answers in vain
We must forge on and not be fooled to remain
consider me
I’ve thought of you again and again

Well I found out a lot about myself
can’t say I was always kind
I’ve also watched you change and grow
I think you’ve done just fine
but I’m telling you I won’t go back
Hear me out, I believe it time
So you’ve got to listen to me girl
what I have to say is no lie

I must admit there’s times when I don’t know what to do
feeling helpless lonely how ‘bout you
but times like these will teach me to
access the right clues
consider me a friend before and after it’s through

don’t we see all this the same
tell me
am I searching for these answers in vain
we must forge on and not be fooled to remain
consider me
I’ve thought of you again and again

Mardi, Novembre 4, 1986
Troubles in the World
[ C Am Dm G – Bm D G A – G A D Bm – G A D]
One day I was thinking ‘bout the troubles in the world
And how it would be without all those nasty quarrels
People helping people, and putting aside their different hero’s
But then I look around and see apathetic eyes
not much of a concern to my very own surprise
How can it be that I don’t see a better life
What can I do to end all this mortal strife
Where have we come from and where shall we all go
When will I see a better life
Well some of these questions are hard to answer, what do you know
An important human problem and it really shows
I guess most of these solutions just might be hidden in prose
Held by wise of the globe
and there’s only a few of those
So I looked around, what did I find,
A never-ending task and journey through time
Oh lord I’ve found a way but I’m still not quite at home
I know it’s not exactly where, but only how you go
I’ve only learned a few things, There’s still so much too know
When will I see a better life

Novembre 3, 1986
How many times have you tried to be someone else
How long did it take you for you to be yourself
It may be hard to follow a strange road
but not as hard than to hitch a ride where there’s no control
and did you think you’d really see
A better way to fight that need
don’t think that you’ll succeed
unless you let yourself just be

Janvier 9, 1988
In my country, we have so many things
We have our problems, and we have our dreams
but opportunities are present to unveil
and to discover
depending on each of our influences, depending on each other
and when some are lonely, depressed, or literally unaware of their position
I wonder how many turn to another, for support, love, and forget inhibition

Mardi, Juin 12, 1990
(notation says that I have compiled this and rewrote this on a disk)
The memory of you never seems to fade
Its been quite a long time 10 years
but my feelings never cease
It’s illogical, I know for not letting you go
But I’d wish you to see
The changes in me
and get a chance to know you
I want to show you
the way it could be
give me a chance and you’ll see
please understand
please deliver me
unrested soul
takes its toll
untimely affair
creates the fictions in there
how do I know that its for real
she told me so that was the deal
I failed to jump my option stunk
and I was left with a smear
all my fears
all of those years
Emotion gone stray
no words to say
thats my thought
I hate myself today
In years gone past
I’ve learned not too fast
That life’s not easy
nor am I complete
I lost the nerve
too feel her curves
and now I pay
until the reckoning day
unless I recover
with help from another
how do I do that
what do I say
I still don’t know until this day

Dimanche Juin 16, 1990
[Capo 2nd fret]
[Csus aug Am7 Em7 Am – Csus 13th fret – Dm Csus 3rd fret A 5th fret]

A Gift of Heart – Admiration for Misti

When I try to understand this feeling
that’s haunting me
I’ll often listen to just what it says
I’m disturbed and so unfree
This admiration from a distance
there’s no choice – that’s all I can do
leads my mind to wonder about how I’d be
When I’m close to you
I’d like to show you just how I feel
But that’s not always the right thing
I won’t pretend try not to play your second one
Because I don’t want to cause a scene
I’m a prisoner of hope and trust
trapped in this hide away love
can’t you see just what you mean to me

There’s something about you
It compels me to stay
I wait alone for you so patiently
why must I behave in this way
You’re with him today – but that’s okay
Of things you’ve told – I know that It won’t hold
We’ve talked about it and we’ve shared our thoughts
and I think that we both understand
that what we share with desire
we might not really ever have
I know that’s it’s hard to break from him now
against so much – I hope that your courage will win out
Christ you have to escape him somehow

Well you moved in and we tried it out
so much so soon for us to talk about
the love I felt was not so clear
until you left me and I shed my tears
together once not only in lust
funny how we loved before we could trust
I must find out just where I stand
from what you’ve said do I flee or make plans
the way you left nearly broke my heart
when I felt how alone I was with you apart
I still don’t know just what went wrong
I think that we sense that we meant no harm
So why must I torture myself
you needed so much more of my help
don’t give up my love
I must redeem myself


I never thought I’d turn out quite like this
we turn ourselves around it’s hit and miss
no promise I make gives you any bliss
don’t look to me for comfort and a kiss

I wake up next to you but you’re not there
the distance we feel shows we’re aware
must we suffer and live our lives like this
depend we must for we must co-exist

I wonder if you’ll ever pay the price
I think you’ve taken all the wrong advise
It’s hard enough to advance in this life
then to burden one with another’s strife


I know the tale it sometimes goes like this
be happy in the end with just a kiss
we ask ourselves why doesn’t this hold true
believing in the fiction won’t always do

I wonder if you’ll ever pay the price
I think you’ve taken all the wrong advise
It’s hard enough to advance in this life
the to burden one with another’s strife

c, 1995
Driftin’ Thru

Well I keep driftin’ thru these empty hours
these empty hours fill my days
lack of direction, no connection
no decision I make helps me find my way
Where has the passion gone
I don’t belong
sometimes I wonder just what the hell I’m gonna do
whoa baby my lack of claim
lord I’ve lost my way
I’m just driftin’ thru

wonder what’s gonna change
before I see my way
I think I’ve already paid my hard earned dues’
Too many times I’ve fought off crimes
thought I’d seen the last of them troublesome blues

lord where has the passion gone
I don’t belong
sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever see this thru
my lack of claim
I’ve lost my spirit
I’m just driftin’ thru

won’t compromise
my resolve I prize
no one’s gonna help me forget and undo
I know you’ve tried
but baby don’t be surprised
when I deny and swear that I never every burden you

I stand before this world
a worried soul still not cured
I stand before you naked and confused
how long will this heart cry
If I am to survive
a woe so deep within this solemn pew
where has the passion gone
lord I don’t belong
Oh Mr pain I just wanna part with you
My lack of claim
I’ve lost my faith
baby I’m just driftin’ thru

c. 1998
Makin’ My Way

Well I’ve got me on the road
ain’t sure just where I’m gonna go
Well I’ve got me on the road
ain’t sure just where I’m gonna go
Well I’m makin’ my way
left a town I once called home

thought I’d made it in a bar
out in the desert very far
thought I’d made it in a bar
out in the desert very far
thought I’d found the girl for me
but I got no guarantees


Well I’ve got me on the road
ain’t sure just where I’m gonna go
well I’ve got me on the road
ain’t sure just where I’m gonna go
don’t cha know that I’m alone
In a crowd of hopeless souls

spent my day feelin’ pain
fell on deaf ears oh what a shame
spent my day feelin’ pain
fell on deaf ears oh what a shame
lost my will to believe
listen to this heart plead

you know I got to be free
out on the road I’m gonna be
you know I got to be free
out on the road I’m gonna be
I’m gonna see what I can see
gonna forge my destiny

Oh where oh where can I find those other songs?