It is now that I begin to truly see

The dream: 2247 Baily Avenue.

The childhood home — one room where I grew up, and then the other room, once my brother’s, where I stayed with my own children for a time after my divorce.

Two kinds of shame: one as a child, and one as an adult.
The shame of the adult takes an even tighter hold on the constraints of your manhood when it is shared with your own children. That differs from the shame you carry as a child yourself, growing up in the house of pain.

How you deal with the shame you feel depends a great deal on the audience around you.

Note

The trauma: CEN or childhood emotional neglect: CPTSD

The father: authoritarian narcissistic

The mother: codependent, and lived in fear, but also looked away and did not protect

The ex-wife: also authoritarian with a need for control

In one room, you are the child

And in another room, you have your children who see

Two rooms in the same bewilderment

The common denominator: me

The activities of a child versus

The activities of a man

The comparison is poignant

But the shame still stands

I now understand my trauma

Unhealed wounds must be processed through connection

In silence, they fester unseen

So with this testimony, I raise my objection

One shame is learned

One is self created

The burdens of inequity

When you point the finger at yourself – it’s related

The lessons of accountability

And the politics of shame

It’s extremely hard to point the finger

When the finger is pointed at your name

Oh how we justify

The economy of quid pro quo

Just what do we testify?

Sometimes, I don’t rightly know

Like sitting in your own church

Like sitting in your own pew

Just what will we receive?

Just what will we do?

In childhood I learned to overthink

In adulthood, I did the same

I now try to integrate emotion

The man, the boy, and the claim

Over 50 years with living in silence

The reflection from the polished mirror, I am now me

Funny how when I start to go blind

It is now that I begin to truly see

CLG

…

DCG

If/then: a philosophical treaties on Empirical observation in epistemology

June 27, 26 ~ DC ~ Leave a comment

Prologue

This poem examines what it means to observe, to remember, and to imagine within the limits of human awareness. It follows a chain of simple “if–then” reasoning to explore how perception shapes reality, how memory reshapes the past, and how expectation invents the future. It does not claim answers, but traces consequences—drawing from ideas in physics, psychology, and everyday experience—to invite reflection on what we truly know when we say we are present.

If time is a line we feel but never see,
Then now is the only place our mind can be.
If light can act as wave until we stare,
Then what we watch may change what is there.
If measurement turns the spread into a point,
Then seeing may fix what was once disjoint.
If the observer plays a hidden role,
Then knowing may shape what we call whole.
If we can only stand inside the now,
Then all that we know must happen somehow.
If each thought is bound to present sight,
Then past and future are made in this light.
If memory is built from fragile trace,
Then truth may bend as we give it a face.
If minds rebuild what they think they recall,
Then stories of self may not be all.
If witnesses often disagree,
Then memory is less than certainty.
If the brain fills gaps it cannot see,
Then fiction may feel like history.
If we imagine a future ahead,
Then we walk through thoughts, not paths we tread.
If fear can paint what has not come,
Then the future can feel already done.
If we compare ourselves with those we meet,
Then identity forms from what we see on the street.
If aging is known by watching others decay,
Then we borrow time in a secondhand way.
If the body changes beyond our control,
Then time writes its mark on the living whole.
If the mind resists what it cannot keep,
Then loss becomes a thought we bury deep.
If we observe ourselves as we think,
Then we stand both inside and at the brink.
If self-awareness splits the view in two,
Then we are both the watcher and the view.
If attention selects what we hold tight,
Then reality narrows within our sight.
If what we ignore fades into the blur,
Then absence can feel like it never were.
If focus acts like a quiet gate,
Then what gets through may shape our fate.
If perception is filtered before it is known,
Then the world we see is partly our own.
If language frames the thoughts we keep,
Then words decide how ideas speak.
If simple terms can carry deep weight,
Then meaning can grow without ornate state.
If emotion colors what we perceive,
Then feeling decides what we believe.
If fear and hope both guide the eye,
Then truth may shift as they pass by.
If logic follows what we assume,
Then flawed first steps can lead to gloom.
If we test belief with careful doubt,
Then clearer paths may sort things out.
If science shows limits in what we can know,
Then certainty is softer than we show.
If quantum rules suggest chance at the base,
Then order may rise from a shifting place.
If randomness lives beneath the seen,
Then control is less than it may seem.
If cause and effect still guide our day,
Then patterns help us find a way.
If we learn from error and revise our view,
Then growth is built from what is not true.
If each mistake can refine the mind,
Then wisdom is error redesigned.
If we live through moments one by one,
Then life is never fully done.
If each “now” replaces the last we knew,
Then we are always becoming new.
If identity shifts with time and thought,
Then the self is a process, not a spot.
If we cling to who we think we are,
Then change may feel like a distant star.
If awareness can soften rigid belief,
Then seeing clearly may bring relief.
If we accept limits in what we know,
Then honest thought can still grow.
If meaning is made from how we attend,
Then purpose depends on the lens we send.
If we choose where our focus will stay,
Then we help shape our lived display.
If reality meets us through mind and sense,
Then truth includes both world and lens.
If we question gently what we assume,
Then thought can open a wider room.
If no final answer is firmly sealed,
Then wonder remains unrevealed.
If we stand in the present, aware but unsure,
Then the human condition remains obscure.
:::

DCG

Be the Change you Wish to See in the World

December 6, 12December 6, 12 ~ DC ~ 1 Comment

There are negative forces in the world that we should probably not want to entice. This negativity that exists tends to be attracted to other negative forces; be them in the form of a thought, or a manifestation of an attitude, feeling or even behavior in the physical world. The mere act of thinking about such burdens can be a conduit for the convergent potentials of these sympathetic constituents.

In my investigations, it’s been a widely accepted principle by generations of wise thinkers, mystic’s and holly men that if one entertains negativity within their thoughts, negativity is more likely to follow these conscious meanderings. Life is unpredictable and we often cannot eclipse the realities that result from the world abroad, yet at least we can compartmentalize our thinking and better manage what and how we choose to think. The idea that we should balance our cognition’s and behaviors so that we do not become overly consumed in dis-favorable psychic energies that may prevent and deprive us from a fuller experience of this world is without a doubt our responsibility to execute.

Ergo, why not rejoice in the positive energies in the world by a celebration of the things that make us happy, joyful, and make us love to embrace life and feel alive. This post is precisely exercising this point in my ability to speak of the many things that opens me up to a positive vibe in the realm of the universe to cherish what is good, what is healthy and in some ways life saving.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes
Silver white winters that melt into spring
These are a few of my favorite things!

Yes, you have to appreciate Rodgers and Hammerstein’s penning this Sound of Music’s featured classic that Julie Andrews immortalized in 1965.

We should all take an inventory of what makes us joyful, what brings pleasure to our lives and what we appreciate. We should even more so tell others we love them, tell them we care for them, tell them we are proud and happy we have them in our lives. Inhale Love; Exhale Gratitude! We should focus on these things that help make life a little more enjoyable since the bitter tides of nature still seem to always remind us of our human defects and mortality.

These are a few of my favorite things…

Earlier in my life the outdoors and the wonders of nature were a huge attraction to me. One of my favorite movies was Jeremiah Johnson in 1972 with Robert Redford, and of course I remember watching Dan Haggerty in 1974 portray John “Grizzly” Adams in The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams on television. I’m into anything with water…ocean’s, lakes, rivers, surfing, boogie boarding, skiing, kayaking, swimming, fishing, camping, hiking, climbing. I even remember exploring and romping around in the ponds of my neighborhood canyon when I was a kid searching for pollywogs and frogs.

Listening to music and performing my music is a favorite pastime. I’ve played guitar since as early as I can remember; maybe since the 4th or 5th grade or quite possibly before that. I remember bringing my guitar to school everyday and practicing in the morning before classes began with a teacher led workshop in grade school, and sing and play songs like snoopy and the red Barron. To this day, I believe I still have that mimeographed songbook we used when learning new songs sometime in 1973 or 1974.

Playing in a band has to be one of my all-time favorite things to do in this world. Playing guitar and singing, songwriting has been a passion for many years. This ability to self-express has taken hold of my inner desires and is a very strong impulse for me.

So much to be thankful for and enjoy as the list can be seemingly endless. I won’t mention the pages and pages of blessings I can easily cite here, but I would be amiss to not give honorable mention to the wonderful women in this world.

So to pay homage to the song with my verse, I’d say it would sound something like this…

Movies in theaters with popcorn and licorice

Drama’s and good books, friendships and teachers

Poem’s and proverbs, writing articles for features

Nothing compare’s to my most precious of all

the return of a daughter’s love will forever be tall…